xoxo moi

2010-09-10T22:34:00.000-07:00

yesterday night i told you that i'm insecure. because there will always be prettier girls out there.
then you said.... if i wanted someone pretty we would have broken up already.

that cut me so deep and did nothing to curb my insecurity.
thank you. you really know how to make me feel better sometimes.

2010-07-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

so goood to be home
sooooo soooooo goood to be in sydney.
soooooooooooooo sooooooooooooo sooooooooooooooo good to see mikey.

and hey my trip wasnt all that bad either. thanks to awesome friends and awesome food and awesome shopping and awesome relos.

as sad as it may seem... facebook is a big part of my life. i think for anyone in this generation to say otherwise would just be blatant lying. i mean... we create events on facebook, we find the latest goss on facebook, we chat to each other of facebook... and we see whose in a relationship or not on facebook.

so as CRAZY as it may seem. as SILLY as it may seem. as IDIOTIC and CHILDLIKE as it may seem. it drove me nuts knowing my boyfriend's status was single when i was away. and knowing i could do nothing about it because the stupid communist party of china are fuckwits who need to understand that all this control will one day cause a huge revolt where the people will bring them down. ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
so i was away for a month... my boyfriend's status was single. wasnt happy days for me. and knowing girls these days.. and how awesomely good looking my boyfriend is (well i think so anyway so THERE.. awesomely good looking sounds like a line from zoolander for some reason)
let me tell you how bad being insanely insecure for a whole month is.... well i cant... because fucking indescribable.
i think i spent hours trying to proxy into facebook. didnt work.
i think i constantly had bags under my eyes cuz i couldnt sleep well.
i think every single time mikey didnt call me for a day i would kinda mope around and act like someone died until i got the next phone call.

and now im back in sydney. mikey tells me how much he loves me. how much he missed me. how much he wants to be with me and im happy all over again. i love him just as much. i want to be with him just as much. i don't know how i would operate if i couldnt be with him. the moment i saw him was when i truly felt that i had come home.

then why... in God's name.. is my boyfriend's facebook status still single?

2010-06-17T08:19:00.000-07:00

isnt it funny how its always during exams that i start to think about the craziest things?
i start to fill my brain with crazy thoughts which end up consuming both me and my time.

ive been 21 for a day now. it ain't so great. definitely overrated.
i dont feel wiser
i dont feel more mature
i dont feel like i can achieve more

feel pretty alone though. oh wait... they didnt write that on the "this-is-how-you're-supposed-to-feel-after-21" handbook. fuck you.

i got a diamond necklace from my mum for my birthday. 32 clusters of little diamonds in a chanel shape on a white gold chain. haha not really my style ( i know beggers cant be choosers) ... BUT at least she knows i like white gold better than yellow gold.
i got the funniest sms from my dad
21Happy Birthday to Pecy Dady

those are the exact words. hahahahaha he's so funny its like he added the "To Pecy" after it just to make sure i definitely got it. i hope he comes back with lotsa goodies for me from hk and china. goodies not as in clothes etc. i buy that stuff when i go back myself... but stuff from the awesome hotels he stays in and the first class flight free stuff. THEY ARE AWESOME

its 1:34 on my laptop. i woke up at 6:50 today. i need to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow. goodnight world

watch out for a 21y/o me :)

*you better keep up or i'm going to have to leave you behind

2010-06-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

i wish our brains were VHS tapes. the old school kind where to reuse all you have to do is tape over. then you can erase the old and keep the new. i wish my brain was like that. so when it comes to exams i can just erase everything that is UNNECESSARY IN MY HEAD to leave ample amounts of room for what i need to ace my exams.

i laugh at my own stupidity sometimes. i laugh at how vulnerable and gullible and naive i am sometimes.

i wish i could be the type of girl who could pick up and put down as easy as 1, 2, 3. sleep with someone and not have feelings for them.

but im not that type of girl. i dont think i could ever be that type of girl. because im in it for the long run.

i love being with mikey. we're so different in ways that i think makes it work. i dont try to understand all his urban/ hip hop kinda stuff so when he tells me about it im genuinely interested. and he doesnt really know what i study. haha so when i tell him... well i dont think anyone can be genuinely interested in what i study... so he gets let off.
he makes me laugh. he takes care of me even though he always calls me a kid (pshhhhh).

and i think its because we're so different that makes me love being with him more. thats why it was, is and will be hard to let go when (if) that time comes.

god i hate having emotions.

2010-05-28T07:25:00.000-07:00

i've never been much of a romantic. i dont think a knight in armour is going to come rescue me one day. i dont believe in the materialism of relationships.

i guess i try to be more realistic about relationships. i love you, you love me. alright we're good to go. i dont need you to buy me this and that to prove how much i mean to you. i dont need endless phone calls every day with you. i dont need cute little plushie toys or matching hats or matching shirts.

want i do need is more substantive things. i need memories. i need actions. funnily enough i need words. i need a smile. i need a willingness to want to spend time with me. i need you to be there when i need you the most. i need support, understanding and care.

i need to be made feel special. different from anyone you've ever met and anyone you ever will meet. i need to be spoken to differently and handled differently and understood differently.

NOW THATS HOW YOU TREAT A GIRL.

2010-05-17T07:38:00.001-07:00

it has been two months and 1 day since ive touched this space.

someone random actually very very random asked me how my blog was going and i thought well... since im here trying to read the roll critique and i'm seriously not absorbing anything about risk free rates and ex-post mean-variance efficient stufff i might as well blog.

there seems a lot that i want to write but i cant put fingers to keyboard atm.

am i happy? yes and no.
am i satisfied? yes and no.
am i looking for more? yes and no.
am i 100%? yes and no.

HAHA. i dont think that wouldve helped anyone to figure out how life is going atm. it barely helps me to be honest.

im happy. i have awesome friends. i have my boyfriend. i am doing a degree at uni that i know will get me places. but now im not so sure if i wanna be going the place where my degree is going to take me. i still want to be a corporate powerhouse but i dont think im going about it the right way. if at this very stage.. im not passionate about all this financial stuff that im learning about... then how will i ever become fascinated by it? i really do think im more of a hands-on, communicating with people type of person and i dont think i get to use that attribute to its full potential if i ended up in a financial institution.
well i guess i could always become a lawyer. yay... the joys of a double degree.....

im satisfied. but i dont think satisfcation is a very high threshold to meet. i want to be more than satisfied with life. i want to enjoy life and seize it by its front horns and steer it so i know that i will be living each day to its fullest. i dont think im doing that at the moment. emotionally and mentally i'm not there yet. i have a few reasons to why in my head but those are my dark little secrets that even you wont get to know about.

am i looking for more? of course i am. im constantly looking to newer, better things. but i feel like im stuck in a rutt where ive been shielded off from these newer, better things. no fair man. share them around for gods sake!

am i 100% sure? no im not. and i really want to be. i wish i was. but im not. little things. always the little things.
ive always been told that words dont hurt you. but, my goodness, words said to you from certain people can see you gasping for breath. words can hurt so much. ive learnt that the hard way. so what happens when you meet a girl like me who cant keep any words inside of her? who always needs to say whats on her mind?

you get trouble. big fat. stinking. gross. TROUBLE

2010-03-17T05:27:00.000-07:00

been two weeks since uni's started. im quite enjoying the semester so far. not behind on my law readings at all :) and damn they take a lot of time to do.. 90 pages a week is not what i call fun. but international law seems and is really interesting. like i said before i would have loved to do international studies as my other degree but due to unforeseen circumstances ie. my parents i couldnt do it. working at the UN or some other NGO was my ultimate dream but yeahhhhhh oh well i guess i could always do a masters in international studies

iv e been getting pretty excited about my 21st :) never had a really really big birthday party except when i was young and had a maccas party haha they were the bomb. anywayyyy sooo yeahh wanting to invite over 200 guests. friends i havent seen in a while, friends from high school friends ive lost contact with, my bestest friends and mikey's best friends. SUPER EXCITED! and plus ive decided on a 'your favourite cartoon character when you were young' hehe im expecting everyone to dress up... no dress up no entry THATS THE RULE PEOPLE

oh btw... i love my uni friends. to bits. especially caleb and mickey haha they make me laugh and keep me sane. this semester i have most of my classes with them and im so glad. makes every uni day fun filled. also atm i get to see mikey everyday before and after uni. which also makes my day. i'm gonna be so sad when he has to go to parra everyday to work :( wont get to see him as much which is going to be extremely hard since for the past 4 months ive seen him close to every single day. couldnt imagine not being able to.

i guess the past few months has made me see that life is hard no matter what. no matter if you're already working or still studying. nothing in life is free and all you can do is have ambition and work hard to reach that end goal. being successful isnt a sprint. its a marathon. your whole life is a marathon race and only when you can run the whole 50km and reach the end will it be satisfying. no doubt there will be obstacles along the way. but whats life without its ups and downs? its the downs that show our potential and our perseverance. im still at uni. still have 2.5 years left to go. and right now i still dont have a clue what my life will be like after that. what kind of job ill be able to get after. where ill be living. if i still want to go overseas to do a masters. whether i want to live in asia for a while and work. its sad to say that i dont even have a life goal at the moment. sure.. make money, find a husband, have a family, support my parents. but they arent goals.

so im a bit lost at the moment. i need some perspective i guess.

relationship wise. im so glad i have mikey. i love him so much. and i guess after all we've been through and the fact that we're still together means that i do have something real here. ive never had that 'real' factor in the past. and trust me... its gonna take a lot for me to let it go. what does scare me is other people getting in the way and for some reason i have a premonition that that might be what would break us up in the end. but not if i can help it :)

ok. well.. knowing me. ill see you next month blog

much love

2010-03-07T04:33:00.001-08:00

once again... its been a month since i've even thought about writing here again. funny how i decide to start writing something when i have readings already piling up...

so holidays are officially over. and by the end of it i was actually quite excited to get back into it. start all my readings you know... use my brain a bit. more holidays are looking pretty good now with the 90 pages of readings for law (25 more to go :) WOOT WOOT)

anyway spent most of my holidays with mikey which was good. since once uni completely kicks in for me and he opens his parra store we wont have too much time together which will be hard. i'm so used to seeing him everyday now its ridiculous...

freaks me out that i'm already a third year student. commerce kids are graduating this year... scary scary scary. but im excited to get employed... somewhere :( haha so that I can start living the lifestyle i want.

anyway
its 12
i need to finish reading this chapter for investments. find my regression stuff for loo. print out my tute stuff for tmr and then sleep... waking up at 7 to drive to mikey's before uni :)

2010-02-09T02:09:00.000-08:00

i am the worst person ever.

2010-02-03T03:28:00.000-08:00

its scary when you become so attached to someone that no communication for a day makes you go crazy. checking your phone every half an hour. thinking everything that vibrates is your phone going off. hearing other people's ringtones and instantly checking your own phone.

i dont like fighting. my brain goes funny and i cant think. the day drags on and on and on. i hate talking to people to try act happy when im not.

I don't like making you upset. may it be miscommunication or me saying something wrong but whatever it is i would never intentionally say anything to hurt you.

pls at least understand that.

2010-01-06T03:39:00.000-08:00

you come to a stage in your life when you make tough decisions.
i made my decision a while ago and i take full responsibility of the consequences.
when i made this decision i weighed up the pros and cons of both sides and i decided on the side which i thought would make me happy.
i still stand by my decision and i'm happy.

but what scares me is whether ive sunk too far in that i'm going to become blinded by everything again. my brain becoming cloudy. my emotions overriding my logic.
i want, no, i NEED you to understand me and my position. how deep ive let down my guard to embrace your presence in my life. but how long you're going to be there before one of us ends up getting hurt (again) i cant put my finger on.

everything i do i wanna learn from. so what am i going to get out of this?
what doesnt kill me makes me stronger. so hopefully at the end ill be a stronger person and you'll have shown me emotions that i didnt think i could possibly feel so young.
happiness, anger, anticipation, sadness, carefree, shame, infatuation, embarrassed.

i'm trying to feel your pain and your happiness. i'm trying to shoulder your stress and trying to be there as much as i can. but deep down inside of me i wonder whether you're giving me enough or whether im giving you enough.

so when you're completely exposed and you're scrambling to cover your scars and someone gently places a blanket on you. soothing you. comforting you. do you think thats enough? is that what love is supposed to be?

well i guess thats what its SUPPOSED TO BE. but realistically throughout 2009 ive realised thats not what love is.

i could find anyone and offer them comforting words. hug them. kiss them. tell them how much they mean to me. how i'll be there for them. i can listen to their heartbreaking story and cry for them. i could smile at them and tell them its going to be different from now and tell them that im going to help them change and move on.

then i can walk away and not mean a single thing. the hugs, the kisses could be for anyone. i might have faked that smile. made those fake promises.

i want heartfelt promises. i want promises that arent just said to anyone anywhere without any thought or emotion. i want to be the ONLY ONE feeling those emotions. i want to be the ONLY ONE to see you at your most vulnerable. i want to be the ONLY ONE who you tell your story to.

so if you can give me that. then sure... go ahead and talk about the future.
if you can't then just live for the now. full stop.

2009-12-29T19:38:00.000-08:00

its been a long time since ive touched this space.
the holidays have been good so far. ive spent a fair bit of it with the boyfriend and his friends. its scary that in just one more day it'll be 2010.
this year has been one crazy year. in retrospect i'm not sure if i did everything right. actually im 100% sure i fucked up in a lot of areas. especially regarding my parents, my studies and relationships.
what i did realise this year was how immensely critical my friends are to me and my life. how i can make ridiculous decisions but i can always get a honest opinion from them and how they will never judge me. even if i judge myself.

so what am i looking forward to in the new year? ive decided not to make new years resolutions because they're impossible to keep. so heres what i want 2010 to bring me:

- maybe moving out and learning to be independent
- pulling up my marks
- spending time with mikey
- spending more time with the ones closest to me
- learning to get along with my parents even more.

ill leave you some pictures of the holidays so far... really not much has been taken.

2009-11-12T03:57:00.000-08:00

i havent touched this in a while

so the past (nearly month) have been... well a bit crazy now and then but fun and stressful all the same

exmas have started and they arent fun. im in exam mode.. meaning i look like i havent slept more than 2 hours.. i have bags under my eyes... im easily frustrated... i find nothing funny anymore.. im relying too much on cigarettes and caffeine...all i can think about are exams :(

but 2 more to go then im free for four months nearly! :)

so just bear with me for the next five days.. and everything will be sweet.

*fingers crossed puppy
xx

2009-10-25T06:03:00.001-07:00

this is the right thing to do. because this will make me happy.
fullstop. nothing more said.

2009-10-24T05:41:00.000-07:00

im asking myself how many times i wanna be disappointed and be hurt before i can walk away.
and im not finding an answer.

im searching so hard to try do whats best for me and i dnot know what that thing is.

you say these words and i get sucked in. four months ago. this exact thing happened. and you keep telling me that this time itll be different. but i have my doubts.

i wanna believe you. im trying so hard to believe that what you say you feel for me is true.

i feel dirty and stupid and used and embarrassed and ashamed.

now i am hurt and i am angry and i am sad and i am frustrated.

this wasnt supposed to happen to me. ive never ever done anything to anyone to deserve to be treated this way.

i dont want these sorts of dramas in my life. i dont like drama. i just want to be with someone who loves me and who can give me what i want. who can make me happy and who i can make happy in return. i dont want lies. i want trust. i want companionship. i want support. i want someone who cares about me.

who loves me for me. not for my rack. not for my makeup. but for my brains. for my personality.

i cared so much for you. i wanted you to become a better person. i wanted to help you become that better person. but this is what i get in return?

i dont understand. call me naive, call me innocent. but bad things arent supposed to happen to good people. then why do bad things always happen to me? why am i the one who always always gets fucked over?

it finally hit me.
ive been crying for half an hour now. keep counting.

2009-10-23T03:22:00.000-07:00

when you put your trust into someone, what do you think you'll get out of it?

well, let me tell you. you get nothing.

you get fleeting happiness. you get promises that never come true. you get tears and anger and frustration and disappointment.

right now. im not angry. im not crying. im not frustrated and im not disappointed.

im just empty and hollow and helpless.

i dont know what to do anymore.

look at me and you'll see what youve thrown away and maybe you'll feel as hollow as me.

putting down the barriers never worked for me. well i put them down this time. and ... once again... it still didnt work for me.

so im done with putting down the barriers. im done with trusting people. im done with trying so hard to look for the good in people.

this hopefully means im done getting hurt. im done wasting emotions on people. im done relying on anyone else but myself.

the most important person in my world is me. and if i cant love myself enough to walk away and if i cant tell myself that i dont deserve to be treated that way and if i cant be strong enough to fight for my own feelings then everything ive ever believed in and preached about relationships will fly out the window. and im not about to let that happen.

so. go back to your world. the girls you know. the girls you want.

and then think about me. then tell me how you feel.

2009-10-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

sometimes its so hard to do the right thing.

what should you listen to? your emotions or your logic?

riddle me that.

2009-10-14T02:16:00.000-07:00

i dont know when you're gonna see it.
but when you do, where do you think im going to be?

when you look at me what do you see?
do you see what you would see when you look at any other girl off the street?

i'm not gonna try to be someone im not.
i dont talk all hard nor do i pretend to. i dont pretend to know the musicians you like. i dont dress in your style nor do i pretend to know anything about the brands you know.

so whats gonna keep you to stay?

i really dislike not being able to control what goes on in my life. you're the one thinig that i cant control.
i can control uni. i can control my parents. i can control nearly everything.

BUT YOU. you're like a runaway puppy. that im running in circles to try and catch.

2009-10-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

hhaha ok
all that talk about shanghai? yeah well put that on hold. my dad always gets his facts mixed up
the blake dawson dude wants to give me placement in AUSTRALIA if he thinks im good enough.
haha
i guess that means ill be in Australia this summer. :) well i guess that wont be too bad. i definitely will still wanna go somewhere even for a week. get away from SYDNEY. central coast would be nice. or back up to the gold coast. or like HAMILTON ISLAND? OR FRASIER ISLAND? YES?

i always thought i wasnt one of those girls who needed a boyfriend. or a guy constantly. i loved feeling independent of guys and guys having a hold on me. not saying that when i truly like someone i dont hold on for a long time. i didnt care that i didnt have anyone to complain about things to. or i didnt have long conversations on the phone with a guy. i loved the fact that i was never tied down. i could do my own thing without anyone telling me otherwise (except my parents i guess... not that i really listen to them much anyway). a man didnt dictate my life.
a bit of a feminism? maybe.. in some ways.

im not quite sure where i stand on that now. maybe because ive been seeing someone for the longest period of time that ive ever had a relationship i'm beginning to like having someone there. also it doesnt hurt that i actually, sincerely, like this guy, (vices and virtues and all).

so now i do want a boyfriend. i want someone that gives me attention. i want someone who cares about me enough to tell me what to do. i want someone whose gonna hold my hand when im upset. i want someone who will understand me, my stress with uni, my problems with my parents etc. i want someone who can put up with my idiosyncrasies and put up with it with a smile on his face. i want someone that i know is exclusively mine. someone i dont have to share. someone i don't have to worry about whether this girl likes him or that girl wants him or blah.

i just want someone i can call my own.

if you've known me for long enough or have read my blog for long enough, you'll know that this is not what i was feeling a year ago. haha. how things change so much in a year huh?

do you think you can give me what i want? or am i holding onto false hope for something that isnt and will never be there?

2009-10-09T00:32:00.000-07:00

this week has been too crazy for me.
im so glad its friday. i hope that i can maybe forget about this week. erase it from my memory. get one of those men in black pen things and press a button and poof. blank.

ive decided. today. while at the library by myself. that im gonna quit smoking. im going to stop drinking excessively. and im only going to party when necessary ie. someone's birthday.

so i cant quit smoking straight away cuz i still have a pack left of ciggies. but after this pack im gonna not buy anymore. looking on the bright side this will help my financials. i wont smell like cigarette all the time. i wont have to be so paranoid my parents will find out. on the down side. IF I GET FAT THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY. maybe ill turn to gum... at least they're like 10 times cheaper and ill have minty fresh breath all the time haha

drinking. im not gonna totally quit drinking. thats just stupid. im just not going to drink to get drunk. im going to drink only until i feel good and happy. i never want to reach the stage of when my heads in the toilet bowl or im running towards a rubbish bin ever again.

partying. not once a week. not once every two weeks. maybe not even once a month. special occasions sounds to me like a good compromise. i dont get the kick out of it anymore. its the same places, the same music, the same people. i should go back when i start to miss that same place, that same music and those same people.

i literally have no money anymore. i went to go buy something with my debit card today and it got declined. do you know why? because... i just bought BDO tickets that cost me 200 bux and paid off my last month's credit card. how embarrassing. luckily i used my freshly paid credit card.

i'm still pumped for BDO though. i meannnn the lineup is AMAZING. AMAZING. AMAZING. AMAZING. hopefully im still going to be here for it. although the shanghai rep for blakedawson just emailed my dad today to ask him to tell me to send over my CV, uni marks and HSC marks so he can see whether 'there are any opportunities for me'. so thats pretty exciting although that means i have to write a cover letter and update my CV early next week. and with so many assessments around the corner im just so swamped with everything.
but hopefully that means i MIGHT be able to go back to china beginning of this year and work! how exciting. im excited. living by myself in shanghai for a whole month would be amazingly fun. and obviously since mickey and stuff are all gonna be there itll be even more EPIC. but lets not get our hopes up.

although once again.. ill not be spending summer in Australia. i seriously dont remember the last time i spent a full summer in australia. probably the summer of 2007. i miss aussie summers actually not really if the weather's gonna keep acting up like it has so far. ridiculous weather.

so i should really get back to my assignment. i had something else to write... UMMMMMM... oh yeah. just wanted to write something about always wanting to work in a major big city. not saying sydney isnt major.. but well.. it isnt compared to asia haha. so hopefully if all goes well ill be cruising around shanghai all dressed up (although it will be cold.....) and then going to high class bars sipping on cocktails with all the other suits, spending weekends in cafes then going shopping then having massive dinners at yummy restaurants. THATS THE LIFE :) chuck in some extra cash and an excellent apartment on the 32nd floor and ill be sweet.

one day.

if you need me. call me. no matter where you are. no matter how far. ill be there in hurry. you dont have to worry.
remember the day, i set you free? i told you you could always count on me baby. from that day on i took a vow, i'll be there when you want me, some way, some how.

2009-10-07T15:40:00.001-07:00

You know I got this feeling that I just can't hide

I tried to tell you how I feel
I tried to tell you but I'm weak
Words don't come easily
When you get close I shiver
I watch you when you smile
I watch you when you cry
And I still don't understand
I can't find a way to tell you

I wish I was your lover
I wish that you were mine
Baby I've got this feeling
That I just can't hide

Don't try to run away
There's many things I wanna say
No matter how it ends
Just hold me when I tell you

I wish I was your lover
I wish that you were mine
Baby I got this feeling
That I just can't hide
[2x]

All I need is a miracle
Oh baby all I need is you
All I need is to love you girl
Oh baby all I need is you
Baby you

I wish I was your lover
I wish that you were mine
Baby I got this feeling
That I just can't hide

Just wanna be your lover
Just wanna be the one
Let me be your lover
Let me be the one
Yeah

2009-10-05T05:18:00.001-07:00

i lost everything today. the usb that was holding my whole finance assignment and all my law readings this semester is gone.
my life is officially over.

hopefully i can take it to a computer store and they can fix it.

im sorry for you. im sorry for me.

2009-10-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

you're losing me.
and all i can say is that thats gonna be your loss.
because i may be one of the best things that could have happened to you.
do you know why?
because im NOT anything like the girls that george describes. im the complete opposite.
because i am that nice, sweet, smart, caring, hard-working girl who doesnt sleep around who doesn't slut around who doesnt go clubbing to hook up with boys. who has self-respect. who will one day be someone in this world.
but if you cant see that...well then someone else will.

i want to be, no rephrase that, i need to be one of the top priorities in your life and if im not. then ild rather be by myself alone.

im not calling again. im not coming into the shop again.
speak to you later? yeahhhhhh righttttttttttttttttttt

oh ps. going with the flow is shithouse. im not the go with the flow type of girl. i need direction in my life. so im gonna direct it myself thanks. :)

2009-10-02T06:27:00.000-07:00

i am over everything
im over finance
im over uni
im over parklife
im over people

this weather is making me miserable.
PEOPLE IN GENERAL ARE MAKING ME MISERABLE.

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={)6O8.UT,KJYRMTH GFDCSAX(pO/8.UI,KJYRMETHRNG FDS

me going crazy on my keyboard.
i wish i could sleep for days and wake up all happy again.
oh right.. haha thats called being in a coma douche.

2009-10-01T01:35:00.000-07:00

ive never understood sneakers/kicks/any of that adidas/jeremy scott stuff or airforce ones or air maxes or jordans or blahblahblah. i mean on a guy sure. but on a girl?
doesnt really tickle my fancy. maybe its just me. haha maybe i just cant pull it off like those b-girls or whatever. give me a pair of heels anyday before a pair of sneakers. and yes the heels might be a little bit uncomfortable to walk in comparing BUT at least my legs will look slim and long haah.

back when i was in year 4 or 5 i used to walk around the house jumping up and down trying to pull off karate moves. i used to hate wearing dresses. loved to go in shorts and just a tee. i remember my mum used to blame it on xena warrior princess or hercules or something hahahaha. then came year 6 and 5 and i was still kinda like that. cargo pants. baggy jeans. black tshirts. then she said was trying to copy flolo cuz flo was sucha tomboy! oh yeah.. converses and what not always on my feet. i dont think i owned a pair of girlie flats for a lllloooonnngggggg time till highschool.
hahaha

high school was a mix. still wore converses now and then. high-tops included. dude those shoes totally make your legs look stumpy and fat now that i think about it.

but now.... give me a dress with frills on it anyday before i chuck on a pair of converses. feminine and pretty all the way. now my mum loves the way i dress (well most of the time if she isnt complaining that something is too low cut or too short)

how ironic that the guy im seeing sells sneakers and is obsessed with them? haha wish they would bring in some hot-ass heels into nitrogen or maybe some pretty/skimpy dresses :(:(

OR MAYBE ONE DAY for the fun of it ill buy a pair of sneakers hahaha and try to dress all gangster-yo.

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
its raining on sunday :(:( poo poo poo.
i didnt turn off the internet but i did quite a bit today. already over the word limit and still havnet actually touched one part of the question. SCORE
but today was so beautiful i was so bummed at having to stay at home while everyone was out basking in the yummy weather.

off to wash my frilly white top so i can wear it tomorrow to work. with some oxford heels and a leather high-wasited skirt probably. and a chained bag and some big sunnies.

i love being a girl :)

2009-09-30T05:08:00.001-07:00

ok
i did nothing again today
i wrote 200 words of a 1000 word essay
200 shitacular words
what did i do?
i downloaded music. i ebayed. i decided to watch friends again. watched masterchef. i went on facebook and did nothing on facebook.
i nearly burnt down my room. i was having a ciggy while my parents were outa nd i thought i butted it out properly and i chucked it in my rubbish bin. turned out i didnt and i started to smell smoke and opened the rubbish bin and all the tissues had started to glow red HAHAHA luckily i have a sensitive nose :)

we found out that another relative of mine passed away yesterday morning. i wasnt very close with her. she was my great aunt i think... my mum's aunty? i dont really rememebr her except that she used to give me money whenever i saw her. oh god how bad is that? i remember her cuz of her money. i seriusly dont even know what she looks like.
anyway... so this year has been a pretty shitty year for my family. so much death. and i know its inevitable and yes they are all getting old but you wish that you could do something about it. my mum doesnt wanna tell my grandad that his own sister has died cuz shes scared its gonna make his health take a turn for the worse.

oh yeah i also waxed a bit today when i was watching masterchef. one arm is silky smooth now hah the other.. not so really

oh and also ive been looking at all the end of year photos for year 12. i bet they're all so glad to be coming outta high school. wait till they reach uni hahaha poor things.. its assessments every week!

tomorrow my internet is coming off. so thats it! or i might go to uts and try to do some work... hmmm... options options

i miss mike already. im gay.
nothing more to say.

2009-09-29T06:25:00.001-07:00

or maybe i should go back to black?
YEAH?
BLACK SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD AT THE MOMENT TO ME :):)

2009-09-29T05:05:00.000-07:00

i thought i knew where i was going with my career and stuff but now im not too sure

im all muddled again. i was supposed to do research for my assignment due the tuesday after parklife and i ended up doing nothing but watching friends... frickin going on ebay.

then marks for law have come out and everyone's spewing. cuz law sucks. cuz none of us will ever understand how the people at sydney uni law school marks assignments or how well the other people in our grade are at law.

and now im blog hopping instead of reading the material ive researched which is actually in front of me.

URGH WOMAN WAKE UPPP WAKE UPPP WAKE UPPPP

i need my real hair to grow longer so i can cut off my extensions.

i think im gonna go a shade lighter next time i dye it

and im going back to straightened hair.

and i also need to buy new fricking contacts but i have no idea where to buy the ones i wear in australia. i love my black contacts. asians are the best at knowing how to properly enhance their features.

i remember asking at opsm if they had black contacts and they were kinda like errr nnooo what the? who the hell wears black contacts?

asians do :)

what else do i need to do?

i need to keep losing weight.

stop biting my two remaining nails that are still gnawed to bits.

i need to rebudget my financials ie. stop buying useless things.

cut down on cigarettes which will help rebudget my financials

i need to go to the beta alpha psi meetings which i have never attended and actually get invovled in uni life a bit more.

see? this is why im not turning into the person i wanna be. THIS IS ALL I FUCKING THINK ABOUT NOW

I HAVENT EVEN FINISHED READING MY FATHER'S DREAMS OR THE BLIND ASSASSIN. WHCIH I BOUGHT AGES AGO. and im not one of those girls who will be proud to say look i havnet read a book in 2 months *teeheheheheheheheheh im so cool*. NO I AM NOT LIKE THAT

and remember a few hundred entries back where i said i would take photos of my life.

yeah well as per usual of all my plans in life taht failed too. good job pecy.

im gone in the last one as you can probably tell.

NO WORRIESSSSSSS ill definitely bring my camera with me to parklife. bring on the short shorts and the slutty swimsuits and the hot half naked men and the alcohol. PSYCHED TO THE MAX.
I DO NOT WANT TO GO AND DO FINANCE.

2009-09-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

im sorry but iwould just like to say that ebay is one of the best creations in this world.

ive just received this HOT-ASS TIGHTFITTING BLACK STUDDED JACKET. which is fucking hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot. its gonna be my staple jacket now.

and also i would like to say. that if i could wear heels everyday like karla at www.karlascloset.com i totally would. check out her amazing fashion sense. GIVE ME SOME OF THAT

and also ive been looking at my sunnies collection and realised i don thave one anymore
haha i used to have so many sunglasses that i would interchange and all the ones i have now are just either broken or just way to ugly. i hear the faint cries of ebay again...
haha

2009-09-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

ive had an awesome weekend!
going out with the girls was mega mega fun. flow was great although must remember next time to go with a few more girls the guy-to-girl ratio is absolutely ridiculous.
arthouse was good too! even though the venue is a bit 'school-hallish' its still quite big and fits quite a lot of people. being tipsy helped a bit too haha
then just chillin gout on sunday and monday. i watched ps i love again. surprisingly this time i wasnt bawlign my eyes out. maybe cuz mikey was there saying stuff like 'i hate this shit'.. yeah i think thats why.
PPPSSSHHHH

ive got nothing to rant about. weird isnt it? usually i have so much to whine and bitch and complain about. but not this time. which strangely enough is making me feel a LITTLE BIT EMPTY. how unhealthy is that?

saw preggars this morning. still the same uncomfortable gut feeling. so like a chicken i ran off and made james shield me. haha im pathetic. NEXT TIME IM GONNA NOT MOVE AND JUST STAND THERE AND SMILE AND IF SHE GIVES ME ATTITUDE.. then ill run off and hide behind james again. hahahahhahaha. if you're still madly in love with the guy then thats between you and him. its the two of you have to sort it out. and if in the end he finds out that he is still in love with you then good. i wish you both well. im not gonna say im gonna be happy if he's still in love with you im just saying thats the way life is. we werent meant to be and you guys were. and i can now honestly say that i care enough to let him be happy with whoever he want to be happy with. because no matter what i still want to be apart of his life. even if we are just mad friends.

BUT if he doesnt love you then let go and let him be happy and you should try to find someone else that will make you happy. because life isnt about not letting go of the past. its about looking forward to the future and what amazing people and amazing experiences you'll find along the way. theres no point in dwelling about what you woulda, coulda, shoulda have done. but think about what you CAN and WILL do.

like ive said before. regret can be one of the worst words to say. ever. so im cutting that outta my vocabulary RIGHT NOW.

ok need to do more research on CREDIT SPREADS. :):):) funfun

2009-09-24T05:19:00.000-07:00

hey girl....
yeah im talking to you
i dont care who you think you are but stay away from whats mine.
im not a mean girl. im not bitchy. i dont look it. i dont act it.
hence why i dont do well with bitchy girls.
you keep to your side of the line and ill keep to mine. you even inch a toe over the line and you'll be sorry.
because i believe in karma. i dont believe in 'my boys well come and beat the shit out of you' or 'im going to come find you and scrape my fingernails over your face'.
i believe if you fuck with me im gonna end up having a better life than you. im gonna make more money. live in a bigger house. have a gorgeous husband. have gorgeous babies. be a FUCKING SUCCESSFUL CORPORATE WOMAN POWERMACHINE
while you can slave away wherever you'll be by that time. all wrinkly and gross. (ill be getting the lipo and tucks with all my moolah).
yeahhhhhhhh COOL
something to laugh about... this is basically me at my most fragile state at home. all cosy and apart from the 1500+ photos of me on facebook.. i think these ones are the real me.
and yeapppp im a nerd :)
rephrase that... im a proud geek (cuz we all know geeks rule)

schmell you later!

2009-09-24T03:01:00.000-07:00

IM BACK!
finally new internet after all this freakin drma with telstra and optus.
telstra fricken needs people who can speak english!

anyway today something happend at central station that was frickin hilarious.
i was standing on the platform eating a bag of pretzels and waiting for my muzza so we could go home. this asian guy and aussie dude walk past me and the asian guy kept staring at me. the aussie dude was holding a guitar. they got into the train but it was like leaving in like 2 mins or something. the asian dude's just standing there, staring, (take a picture bro.. it frickin lasts longer) and then he grabs the guitar and starts to strum it ... im like trying soooooo hard not to laugh cuz it was pretty funny and i swear he could tell i was laughing cuz he started to laugh too. .. then he strums it a bit louder and then he walks really close to the door and like opens his mouth to start to sing but the doors full close on him HAHA
and while the train was moving he got his phone out and was like making calling gestures.

psychotic boy. pretty funny though.

im completely chilled out. midsem break is upon us woohooo. and even though theres two assignments to do... i dont seem so stressed which is good. :)

im realy liking this new internet too... youtube babyyyyy

just bought this hot shirt off ebay (well tanya bought it for me technically) gonna rock it at parklife! i also bought this studded black jacket which would go really really well with either casual to uni or a throw on when i go out at night!
maybe i should start taking photos of what i buy off ebay or whatevs?

NA FUCK THAT hahaha im soooo not bothered.

caleb hurt my feelings the other day and said i have weird taste in clothes haha and that i only look good when i go out at night. mean mean mean mean mean mean mean mean child.

saw a barechested TANNED AS guy walk into nitrogen today. yummayyy. love barechested men. MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM PLEASEEEEEEEEE. DOUBLE SERVINGS PLEEAAASSSEEEE. WHIPPED CREAM PLEASEEEEEE

and omg i got an email from urbanagent about a HOT HOT HOT guy from wildboys afloat performing at bamboo this saturday.
me and tanya were mesmerised in law when i opened the email. like 'tongue-out' mesmerised. GAY GAY why do they have to make it this saturday? when everyone's going arthouse?

anyway soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo what else?
nothing else. life is sweet. weathers sweet. friends are sweet. the boy's sweet.

catchya later alligator!
xx

oh ps. i had the grand angus burger today. not THAT GREAT. goshhh all the fuss... seriously...

2009-09-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

so i laughed myself silly when i got home today and thought about the mixed bag of emotions ive had the past week.
and my solution only comes down to two words.
fuck it.

im too young to care about what happens in the future. im just gonna go with the flow and see where the current takes me.

if this keeps going then maybe something good will come of it and there will be a future.
if it doesnt... if something bad happens... then it was just a learning experience and soemthing that i can look back on in the future and laugh at my own stupidity. laugh at my naivety.

ive already given up on mankind anyway. so how much more hurt can i get from a guy?

COOLLLLL

ps. no more thinking pecy. promise yourself.

2009-09-17T03:27:00.000-07:00

because im feeling like this and i shouldnt be
because you make me happy and i love you but we're standing still
i wanna go somewhere and maybe these tears are uncalled for and maybe im being psychotic (i cant even spell atm)
but this IS HOW IM FEELING
i cant give you want you want and i know other people can

maybe its too naive to think that liking someone enough or even being in love is enough

they're just four letter words and they dont mean anything

i dont wanna let you go but i dont want to waste your time

2009-09-15T04:01:00.000-07:00

im the girl who you never thought you would fall for.
im not the ganger or the slut or the girl whose just mucking around with life.
i have self-respect
i have self-dignity
i have goals
i have aspirations

i could never compete with the girls that you know and usually associate with. the 'easy' ones.
and i dont want to have to ever compete with girls like that.
and even though sometimes i think you'll see me more than just a piece of meat and that you'll see me as the smart and stable one, i also think, in the long run, it wont be enough.

because guys have two brains. and to be honest i dont know which one rules over the other.

so all i can do right now is block everything else out. be myself. and hopefully you'll see me to be much more.

because i am much more. and im proud to be. im proud to know where i wanna go in life and if that makes me boring, then so be it. im proud to know where my priorities lie and im proud that i wanna do well at uni.

because life is so much more than going out every single weekend to flaunt and to seek attention from boys. life is so much more than getting pissed or high.

life's about achievements. love. respect. family. true friends.
and those are the things i want. and those are the things i want you to want too.

2009-09-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

maybe my insecurities are unfounded
but its completely futile to say to someone 'dont think like that' and just automatically think that they will do what you say.
naive much?

i dont think my life is very complicated. i dont think im a very complicated person.
all i want is good grades. a steady relationship. a VERY GOOD career. marriage. kids.
i just want my life to go down the straightest paths that life can possibly go through.
i dont want forks in the road. and i dont want rivers i have to try to get across.

but somehow i cant find that straightness. and the more i think about it the more complicated i think i am. the way i think. the way i act. the way i feel. the way i show my emotions are probably the reasons why my life is all twisty.

so we've already established the fact that i suck at letting people into my life. i suck at letting down barriers. i suck at showing i care about people. im the best at faking that i dont care about something or someone when i do.

im judgmental. im elitist. i have too many opinions. even though im trying i have yet to completely master learning how to not judge a book by its cover. i hate people who dont try hard in life. i hate people who think that everything should be handed to them on a silver platter. i hate girls who are sluts and dont respect their bodies. i hate guys who think violence is the answer to all of God's problems.
if i didnt think so much into everything and stopped being sucha hater then maybe my life would be straighter too. maybe then ill be more accepting of all the things which at this very moment in my life, i cant.

but
if making my life straight means sacrificing what i believe in. my morals and my ethics. the way ive been brought up. my views on women. my views on men.
then NO THANK YOU.
ill take the curves as they come.

2009-09-07T06:07:00.000-07:00

omg
i hate my life
i love caleb and mickey. they are totally awesome
ok
yeah
i still hate my life

2009-09-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

do you know what the worst type of breakups are?
the one where one party leaves the other not because he slept with some other slut or because she's bored of him but because one party cares too much about the other party and being with the other party would just cause that other party more pain.
OK
so that was confsing
A and B. in a relationship. B's family doesnt approve of A (ttally hypothetical) and B constantly fights with her family. A, seeing the pain he's causing decides to leave B, not because he doesnt love her anymore... no no no... B leaves A cuz he loves her TOO much and cares for her TOO much to see her suffer.

along comes C. B thinks he might like C. but hold on... didnt he just leave A cuz he loved her TOO much. so whats he gonna give C?

haha. wouldnt it suck to be C?

2009-08-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

i thought maybe i could keep you under wraps. but i think i was too optimistic.
now i dont know what to do.
i never even knew the word jealousy existed until i met you.

2009-08-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

so im back in australia.
this past week has been extremely draining both physicaly, mentally and emotionally for me.
i dont think i spent a day in china without crying. and truth be told, i never knew crying so much took such a big toll on your body.
so im back and im ready to not focus on the past but on the future. im not gonna dwell on whats happened because i know my grandmother wouldnt want me to. she'ld want me to study hard and live life to the fullest.

one of the most important things i learnt this last week is that one should never have to say the words 'i regret..'
listening to my aunts and uncles and including dad talking about how they regretted doing this and that, regretted not taking my grandma seriously when she first said she had heart pains etc etc was extremely disheartening. so i guess what im trying to tell myself is that i need to become a person who will live her life by making choices which wont lead me down the road of regret.

another important thing i learnt was the importance of family. my aunts stayed with my grandma every single day since she got admited into hospital until her death. as much as we want to believe friends would do the same for you, in all honesty, i doubt it. they barely ate, they barely slept, they had to help my grandma poo because she was losing control of her internal organs. with this lesson comes my conclusion: i am having at least 4 kids.

we also talked alot about marriage and boyfriends this week. all of my cousins are older than me and while one's already married the others are at that stage of looking for that life partner. and this week has reaffirmed my idea that most guys are dickheads. but, if you can find someone whose personality is compatible with yours, whose clear about their life ambitions and is working hard towards achieving their goal, who loves you unconditionally and doesnt treat you like some inferior creature, who RESPECTS you as a woman and who is polite and courteous to your parents. then you've got 'THE ONE'. ok maybe you dont. but i will.
and im not gonna settle for second rate. because no one deserves to settle for second rate. im not gonna reach the age of 30, be unmarried and just marry some random guy just because im getting old. life isnt about that, it really shouldnt be about compromise. and marriage definitely shoudnt be about just 'settling'.

lots of work to catch up on.

2009-08-13T04:23:00.000-07:00

when do we say the things we feel?

how do you say i love. or i miss you. or thank you for everything you've done.

im asking a rhetorical question here because i know for many many people out there those words come out easy. whether its to friends, family, significant others.

but for person like me i dont really say those words often. its not because i dont feel that way. hell ive got the emotions of a menopausal 50 year old. its just i kinda get the courage to say it and then the words get stuck in my throat and my brain kinda forces them back down into the pits of jelly abyss aka my stomach. and now its become such a habit that i cant shake it off.

so basically ive dug myself into this deep hole of not being able to show any signs of affection that i cant crawl my way up anymore. and i dont wanna be in that hole anymore.

so tell me. when is it ok to say the things we feel?

anyway. im packed and ready for my 915 flight. my trip is going to be ridiculous. 11 hour flight to shanghai. arriving at 6pm china time. 11pm train from shanghai to xuzhuo which arrives there at 3am. so basically ill be traveling from 6:15am when the cab gets here till 3am the following morning. :) FUN
im only going for a week and shall be back the following saturday. so yeah

this trip's gonna be fun. im fucking pumped to the max.

life sucks. the moment we're born we start dying.
seriously
fuck
that

2009-08-03T07:45:00.000-07:00

my heart's breaking in two.
you were such a vital part of my life and now you're going and i cant even say goodbye.

all those times when i was a baby and you changed my diapers, put up with my screaming, my stealing eggs and lollies. i might never get to thank you for it.
all those times when i went back and could have just stayed with you a home and watched tv togeher, play cards together... but i just end up going out shopping, getting my hair done etc. etc.

you're 10,000 kilometres away but i can see you lying there and its breaking my heart.
i can barely see through my eyes.
when you get to that stage when you're just sitting here and you can feel tears rolling down your eyes... you know nothing anyone can say will make it any better.

i need.... a hug. i need someone just to squeeze me so tight that they squeeze all the water out of me so i dont have to cry anymore.

2009-08-02T22:39:00.000-07:00

so not wearing those shorts to parklife anymore. haha found something else to wear which will be less constricting and cooler (as in temperature wise.. ahah no i dont think im ultra cool dont worry) anyway life in pictures for the last month!

so pics from gold coast. law informal. clubbing. and gareth's house party.

anyway so that was the fun that was had.

the unfun was the working everyday nearly part.

haha anywayyyy.

i miscalculated. law ball is before parklife. and snowball is before law ball. so there might be some fun to come yet

STAYED TUNED

2009-08-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

ok
so
i made awesome shorts today. i got my mum's old shorts and chopped them up.
they're megashort and mega frayed and im gonna wear them highwaisted. and they're hot as. and im gonna rock them at parklife. :):):):):):)
and ive had my eyes on this hot monokini on ebay which ill definitely buy before parklife too.

everyone's leaving to go overseas while im stuck in australia.
i think the only thing im looking forward to is parklife atm.

i thought i was gonna write an epic long post cuz i had something to write about.
now its just gone right out the window oops.

I'm not your boyfriend, baby,
I ain't your cute little sex toy,
I'm not your lion or your tiger,
Nah, nah, won't be your nasty little boy,
Whoo, I'm not your boyfriend, baby,
Yeah, I can't grant your every wish,
Yeah, I'm not your knight in shining armor,
So, I just leave you with this kiss

Kill the lights,
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,
It feels right,
All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the white pill, you'll feel alright,
Kill the lights,
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,
It feels right,
All these asphyxiated, self-medicated--

awesome awesome song.
anyway lights out.
xx

2009-07-28T06:27:00.000-07:00

uni's started and after hours lining up at the ridiculous timetable centres i've managed to get quite an awesome timetable. :)
monday-FREE
tuesday- starting at 9 and ending at 6 with a 3 hour break from 10-1
wednesday- starting at 11 finishing at 2
thursday - starting at 8 and finishing at 4 with a two hour break 10-12
friday -FREE

yay so four day weekend
OK SO TODAYYY I FINALLY VISITED THAT SMITH'S FAMILY STORE ON CITY ROAD. its one that i pass everytime i catch the bus up to uni and never gone inside. I WENT INSIDE TODAY and in the space of 5 mins had already found a gorgeous blazer and earrings. they're having a 50% sale tmr and the lady told me to come back. funny hey? 50% sale at an op-shop. so everything will probably end up costing no more than 10bux max.
wow... i mustve died and gone to heaven.
going to broadway today was no fun whatsoever. even though i told caleb not to let me look at the stores cuz everywhere was like having massive sales BUT WHEN I SAW A STORE THAT HAD LEOTARDS SELLING FOR 7 and 5 bux he still didnt let me look through the racks.
frickin...
i guess he's looking out for me since im broke broke broke. and i hate being broke broke broke.

i hate when people point things out to me about me or about my situations which i cant see until they draw it to my attention and then all i can think about is whether what they're saying is right. i know that you shouldnt let other people's opinions dictate what you do and think, but it does get you thinking. and because my friends have nothing to lose and nothing to gain from giving me this information and they themselves are not emotionally invested like i am, i sort of think that they might be correct in what they tell me.
bad but sooo true. and so doesnt feel good.
ah whatever. it hurts my head when i think about it so im just gonna go with the flow and see what happens.
life's so much easier when you don't think. :)

2009-07-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

whoa
something just happened just then that didnt feel too good.

you knwo when your throat kinda drops down into your stomach and you're fearing the worst and you kinda break into a cold sweat and you feel you cant breathe properly?

yeah i just got that while talking on msn.

now its churning and i can feel mandarin remnants picking a fight in my stomach.

i think im gonna be sick.

2009-07-02T05:53:00.000-07:00

i have the swiney
I SWEAR I DO
my thoart aches when i cough and i can feel the phlegm build up at the back of my throat.
ohgawd help me.

the weather was gorgeous yesterday. and today was like wizard of oz windy urgh rugh. ive been working nearly everyday this week and it sucks balls.

took mikey, wilan, neesha and ibs to the airport to go to indo yesterday. MIKEY'S GONE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS! :( how sad....
HAHA .. yeah bro... totally sad...
its alright... come sunday ill be going to the gold coast to CHILLLLLLL OUUUUTTTTTTTTTT.. hopefully if my mum isnt a bitch.

im freezing.

2009-06-15T07:19:00.000-07:00

exam week has officially started
and i have officially already screwed them. starting with my first exam.

i seriously wanna just go muffle myself in my sleep cuz life at the moment.... just fucking sucks like shit.
sucks sucks sucks sucks.
the only thing that makes me happy right now is looking at www.lookbook.nu
some funky funky people on that site.

maybe its cuz im about to get a year older and im getting the blues. you know.. getting older... no direction in life as of yet... still poor as a mother... still living with my parents.
i mean...WHAT AM I DOING?
yeah i know im doing uni... and hows that going? OH NOT SO GREAT THANKS
i wish i could just start work now. buy myself an apartment. buy myself a dog. go home at night... say hi to chloe (the dog...) give her some food... chuck in a microwavable dinner. turn on the tv and zonk out with a cup of wine. then come friday night meeting friends for afterwork drinks and having dinner at some scrumptous restaurant that serves amazing cocktails.
saturday would be spent waking up late... cleaning the house... going to the gym. and then partying at night
sunday would be an all day sleepathon.
chuck in the boyfriend here and there who hopefully i would be living with and ill yell at him for chucking socks everywhere.. ild yell at him for not putting down the toliet lid. waking up together and having awesome HUGE YUM cafe breakies with chloe sitting next to us. him snoring when im trying to sleep.. me yelling at him for no reason cuz im pmsing or cuz work is stressful then him attempting to cook to make me feel better.

OK SERIOUSLY? WHY IS MY LIFE NOT LIKE THAT?
why am i a 20 y/o girl all alone on monday night without her dog, without her own apartment, without her boyfriend, without her job ........ but just with finance notes?

2009-06-06T15:16:00.001-07:00

so tell me what you do when youve made a mistake and nothing you can do makes it better?
tell me what you do when you can sit for hours staring into nothing and racking your brain so hard for an answer that it hurts but you come out with not even one thing productie
tell me what you do when all the words of estoppel. risk-free rate, autocorrelation all blur into the one thing
tell me what you do when you just sit in front of a computer staring at facebook trying to look for some right answers

im in dejavu mode at the moment. and you'll think i wouldve learnt from past mistakes.
obviously not haha

its alright. i can just prove how strong i am right? :):)

so damn tired of studying. its the fucking long weekend. i soooooo wanna do something.
put on some heels. stick on a short skanky dress. paint my face with makeup. get a bit drunk. talk with some disgusting sleazy guys who will try to grab my ass or my boobs or both. finish a whole pack of ciggis. dance until my legs cave in. freeze up as i go home.
AWW YEAH AND I TOTALLY MISS IT

you're drifting away and im stuck

2009-06-06T07:35:00.000-07:00

because i want you so much that its starting to right now

2009-05-31T03:51:00.001-07:00

Heartbreaks and promises, I’ve had more than my share
I’m tired of giving my love and getting nowhere, nowhere
What I need is somebody who really cares
I really need a lover, a lover who wants to be there
It’s been so long since I touched a wanting hand
I can’t put my love on the line, that I hope you’ll understand

So baby if you want me
You’ve got to show me love
Words are so easy to say, oh ah yeah
You’ve got to show me love

I’m tired of getting caught up in those one night affairs
What I really need is somebody who will always be there
Don’t you promise me the world, all that I’ve already heard
This time around for me baby, actions speak louder than words

So if you’re looking for devotion, talk to me
Come with your heart in your hands
Because me love is guaranteed

So baby if you want me
You’ve got to show me love
Words are so easy to say, oh ah yeah
You’ve got to show me love

Show me, show me baby
Show me, show me baby
Show me, show me baby
Show me, show me baby

Heartbreaks and promises, I’ve had more than my share
I’m tired of giving my love and getting nowhere, nowhere
What I really need is somebody who will always be there
This time around for me baby, actions speak louder than words

If you’re looking for devotion, talk to me
Come with your heart in your hands
Because me love is guaranteed

So baby if you want me
You’ve got to show me love
Words are so easy to say, oh ah yeah
You’ve got to show me love

There’s nothing that you can tell me
You’ve got to show me love
There’s only one key to my heart
You’ve got to show me love

Show me, show me baby
You’ve got to give it to me, give it to me, give it to me yeah
I don’t want no fakes, don’t want no phoney
I need you love
Show me, show me, show me baby
Give it to me, give it to me
I am not a toy, I’m not a play thang
You’ve got to understand

If you’re looking for devotion, talk to me
Come with your heart in your hands
Because me love is guaranteed...
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

2009-05-29T05:14:00.000-07:00

the weather is ridiculous
ive been living off green tea and fruit and bbq sakata rice crackers. :) yumyum
oh and today me and ivy watched masterchef on tv and then ended up making hotcakes... although we didnt make the caramelised apples :( shame. but the HOTCAKES WERE YUM AS! with just a dash of maple syrup yumyumyum
i think the cold weather is making me consistently ravenous.
i havent really been on msn or blogging cuz im trying to study for exams.
yeah... not going so well with that
two more weeks to go. and i will buckle down for these last two.
then a whole month of doing nothing!
OPPORTUNITY COST... ERRR LIKE TOTALLY WORTH IT
ok so i wont be back till after exams.,... so wish me happy 20th :(
yeah sad face... im in the twenties... faarrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

love

PS its "glutinous rice wrapped in palm leaves" festival day today.... so youve still got 2 hours to go and pig out on some of that. the date ones are the best.. they all lie when they say the meat ones are the best. its like when they lie and tell you that the egg yolk in mooncakes are the best.
hell they lie just saying mooncakes are the best. have you ever tried eating a full one by yourself? gawd i wanna chuck just thinking about it! ok well happy "glutinous rice wrapped in palm leaves" day kids!

2009-05-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

its jaehee's birthday today and tonight was her birthday party
its 11:30 now and all ive done is watched "meet the fockers" (awesome movie!) "sex and the city" and snips of futrama, family guy and the simpsons
im sucha shithouse lazy friend who cant be bothered with anything god...
i had a small fruit salad today, a bowl of grapes, an orange, and an apple and a mandarin. fruit overdose? yeah i think so.. i can feel all that fruit churning in my stomach and it dont feel too good.
my mum went to england yesterday and i had a horrible dream yesterday night about her plane crashing and me finding out that there were no survivors and becasue of that i didnt have to sit my finals
god
how horrible is that?
im a horrible child.. dreaming that my mum would die just so i can get special consideration
HORRIBLE HORRIBLE

tonight is my official last night of doing no work. i gotta pull up my game for the next month and basically become a hermit.
its already been six months of 2009. for some reasons i still feel as if ive just come back from china. time fucking flies. before i know it im gonna be old and wrinkly and all settled down with a job and kids and a husband.
dont get me wrong the job part is extremely exciting... the other parts haha not so
anyway i heard this song today randomly and it reminded me of bonnie because in year 11 she said it was like her favourite song that best described her situation.
im glad that even after not talking to each other for like weeks and weeks and weeks, me and bon can still come back and talk like we did before. and im glad she knows that im always gonna be there to listen to her problems and try to offer good advice without judging her decisions.
before i get too mushymushy the song was

"Someday, Someday"

So we've already established the fact that
things are gonna be different in the future baby.
And you've reiterated the fact that you don't
want to get into something that's just gonna have to end later.
Now I know our lives are changing and I've seen
it coming for a while too, don't get me wrong.
And I've been going outta town baby it's gonna happen more,
we gotta be strong but now

While I'm gone
Just be a fly on the wall
You know
I'm thinking about you

Just wait and see
You gotta hear what I say
I'm in love with you
I'm not so far away

Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe
Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe

I know you gotta go to university and I'm just trying to make some cash to follow my dreams.
But please don't say we're too busy to give each other the time and support we need
I know we gotta work our jobs and make some money to get by in this expensive world.
Don't let that overtake the fact that before all that, you were still my girl.

While I'm gone
Just be a fly on the wall
You know
I'm talking about you

Just wait and see
You gotta hear what I say
I'm in love with you
I'm not so far away

Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe
Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe

Someday, someday
I'll know that you love me
Someday, someday
Sorry that I'm leaving
Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe

I'm in love with you
I'm not so far away

Someday, someday
Look towards the sky babe
Someday, Someday
There's no need to cry babe
I know that you're always what I want babe
I will be the one babe
Someday,
I will be the one babe
Someday,
I just need you here with me

im using the foot massager i got my mum for mothers day and it feels spastic. theres a heat button too which is pretty comfy when the weather is like todays... but the nobbles on the actual massager thing is the weirdest feeling ever. but it gets kinda addictive after a while haha.

oh BTW ive started wearing my new glasses and today at townhall i saw my friend who looked at me and walked straight past me cuz he didnt freakin recognise me...thanks a lot

man now im just pulling shit outta my ass cuz i have nothing to say and im bored as hell.
im going to go read "changing hearts". this will be my third time reading it. its abosulutely ridiculously, out of this world, good. i really wanna read jodi picoult's new one call handle with care... just havent had the opportunity to go and buy it yet... will do so after my exams

uni break is a month and what the hell am i gonna do in a month?
billy told me to go with him and ani and their friends up to splendour and i was seriously considering it... until i saw the lineup for splendour. half the bands ive never heard of in my life... the other half that ive heard of i havnet listened to more than 1 of their songs (ok so for MGMT maybe more than 1.. and for grinspoon maybe more than 1... but seriously... like 1 for the others)... HAHA.. FAIL
so whats the point in that? but billy's a douche and is a pest.
we'll see what happens... i cant spend one whole month stuck in sydney (two weeks by my poor lonely self) and not do anything right?

the foot massager is freaking me out now... it kinda is starting to feel like someone's kneading the soles of my feet with their knuckles.. im getting ugly imagery in my head

x

2009-05-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

i WILL start taking more pictures of my life
maybe im unmotivated cuz i need a new camera?
i dont mind my cybershot.. it has been loyal to me for like 3 years already
maybe once i get the dosh ill splurge and buy myself a new computer
talking about splurging i bought myself a netbook today:)
i was gonna get the acer aspire but the sales guy said he thinks asus is a better brand. plus if i got the acer than me and tanya would own the EXACT same computers. she has a blue vaio i have a pink vaio and now she has a acer and i have a eeepc
oh the freakin sales guy who sold me my computer was a sleaze.
yuck
yuck
ANYWAY
it only put me back 600 bux. i wanted the new pocket vaio for my birthday but my dad just underwent surgery and cuz im not a spoilt bratty kid and even though my parents said they would buy me a small laptop for my birthday i told them it wasnt necessary. surgery doesnt come cheap. but for those who care he's fine and recovering well. he was even fine enough today to be screaming at me all the way as i drove from cherrybrook to hursii. he actually said that he was terrified to be in my car hhahahaha hilarious no?
and i saw the 8g version of my poor 2g mp3 for 69 bux.. ONLY HAHA
god mp3's are so fucking cheap now
after june i think ill go buy myself a new one maybe during stocktake.
i need to start saving for june. mikey's birthday present will set me back ALOT soo i must plan ahead. its so much more difficult when theres an extra person in your life you have to consider
this means no more ebaying. trying to limit eating out. basically no shopping until after june. ahhaha oh god. so yeah im gonna be a jew for a month.

yeap
just went and found my camera and put it in my uni bag for tmr! WILL START DOCUMENTING MY LIFE.

anyway last week was very emotional for me and hopefully from this week forward you guys wont have to put up with my rambling on about how emo my life is

ps. the black lace dress came its pretty but its a bit big. the red blazer came too... its hot as! but a bit big too although i can wear it with a black belt and button it up and its alright
i still want a black boyfriend blazer but icant now cuz i need to save :(
doesnt help that i didnt even go to work last week
EKKKK

i LOVE ENRIQUE IGLESIAS!
alright
peace out kiddos

2009-05-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

A strangled smile fell from your face
What kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break

I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better
But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

2009-05-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

im so over this bullshit.

we are soo done

we never shouldve started in the first place

i made a mistake. i thought you werent THAT guy, but you still are. and you arent going to change for me because i know thats just the way you are. and i cant deal with that

call me high maintenance.
WHATEVER

seeya later cuzzy:)

2009-05-11T07:21:00.000-07:00

there's M's world which is like a closed cage
then theres pecy standing outside that cage by herself. kinda cold, kinda trying to peek inside a bit.
the cage opens once or twice a week and pecy steps inside. she really likes it in there. its warm, its happy and she feels safe in that cage. but she knows that she needs to leave after a while. and she knocks on the door to be let out but the door doesnt let her. she knocks heaps of times and then finally the door opens and chucks her out there in the cold again.
pecy doenst mind being out there in the cold that much. she's a dependent girl who doesnt always need attention so you know she takes it well when she's outside by herself. but after 2 or 3 days of being locked out of the cage and not even being able to look inside or go 1 m close to it, it does start to feel pretty lonely standing outside. she doesnt know whats happening inside. the things inside dont even try to contact her to tell her whats going on.
pecy is surrounded by many cages. of course these cages arent as important as M's cage but she likes to go into some of the other cages once in a while and just hang out. but then M's cage gets angry and this confuses pecy. you wont let me into your cage all that often but i cant go into other cages? even though the other cages arent even as important as your cage? pecy doesnt know what M's cage wants her to do. she's confused as hell.
Pecy wants to be in M's cage. she doesnt want to be something thats in there sometimes and other times chucked out and left in the cold outside. but M's cage doesnt really seem to want her to be in there. sometimes the cage does and other times it doesnt.
pecy doesnt think she's being high maintenance just because she wants a permanent territory in the cage.
if she doesnt get permanent territory soon. she will leave because this is NOT what she expected it to be like.
the lonely times outside of the cage have started to outweigh the REALLY HAPPY times in the cage.

2009-05-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

its the 10th of may today
ive got my finc assignment due tomorrow and i have yet to start my sensitivity test.
all is good but. i will start it after lunch and finish it before dinner.
i will finish writing about Capital budgeting techniques and why bonds are perferred over bills bfore lunch.
then after dinner i will finish writing the required rate of return analysis and EDIT EDIT EDIT.
after 12am tmr morning i will be referencing
then tmr i will wake up at 7 and EDIT EDIT EDIT before heading to uni around 1030 to hand it in and go to my CCP class. (which i have not done readings for for two weeks. and which i will begin doing readings for tmr night)

yesterday night i tried to sleep around 2. brushed my teeth went to the bathroom in hopped into bed. so ive been busy the past few days so i havent had time to really clean my room. so basically all the clothes that ive been wearing for the past week have all been dumped onto my bed. in addition to that i dont think ive made my bed for a week either. its just been 3 three blankets squashed ontop of each other :)
ANYWAY
so i crawled into bed around 130.. it took a lot of effort cuz i had to attempt to move all the clothes to the otherside but because i was so tired i failed pretty bad. so i was sleeping underneath a ton of clothes and 3 blankets (i get cold ok? my room is above the garage and cold air seeps through!)
BUT SOMEHOW.. and i dont know how... i jsut couldnt freakin fall asleep. i think i mustve gotten up 4/5 times to use the bathroom even though i didnt need to. i spent half the time staring out into the street light cuz i forgot to close my shutters and couldnt be bothered to go and close them. and the other half staring at my bedside clock.
THEN at 5 am in the morning i decided i couldnt take it anymore so i got up pushed all my clothes onto the otherside of the bed. stripped my bed basically and made it all up again. stretched out my sheets, redid my blankets DID EVERYTHING
hopped back inside. and boom sound asleep
ok i know pointless story. but my life is made up of pointless stories which is why im cool

hahah i got cut from the fmaa sub committee. too bad for them. (KIDDING KIDDING)

back to finc

2009-05-08T05:45:00.000-07:00

im spending too much time and money on clothes. sure unlike you i dont spend 100bux a pop on clothes cuz i buy on ebay:) but it does freakin add up
let me compile a list of materialistic things ive bought in the past 2 weeks, just so i can make myself feel guilty for spending money that isnt pouring in

prestige eyeliner - 12.50
MAXFACTOR 2000 calories mascara - 20.95 (who said cheap mascara sucked? my eyelashes raech for the sky with this mascara. broooo im telling you!)
2 basic singlets from supre - $40 (ok cuz i was waiting for my cousin to finish waht she was doing and just walking around city by myself and no i dont usually shop at supre but i guess for basics its ok. i still think i got jipped but.. i mean if i was on ebay these things wouldve cost like 5 bux... anyway im not gonna whinge...)
mini black blazer with silver coat of arms buttons - 15 something
black sequined batwing knit - $27 something
red oversized blazer - $10 something
black leather mini skirt - $10
white blazer - $40 (OMG HOTTEST THING EVER CAN NOT FREAKIN WAIT FOR IT TO ARRIVEEE OMGGGGGGGGGG)
black lace minidress - $20
short bubble cocktail dress - $5

BRO
THATS FREAKING 200 BUX IN TWO WEEKS.
omg
omg
omg
my bank account is just screaming in agony i can freakin hear it
plus i had to buy my mum a mother's day present. she said she didnt want anything. but you know how people are.. its all lies.. they say that dont want something and you dont buy anything and you're fucked. so i bought her a heated feet massager. cuz im sweet like that

okok im going on a "going-on-ebay-detox" starting from when everything im watching now ends. haha
im watching 10 things atm. but im pretty sure most of them i wont end up buying
ALTHOUGH one of the dresses is to die for :(
and theres a black leather fringe jacket that is orgasmic

OK ENOUGH

Speaking of mothers day.
you would think i would be jealous of girls who have this special bond with their mother. being able to go shopping with them, tell them about their boyfriend or who they like, ask them for advice and just be happy basking in each other's presence.
my mother and me?
we never go shopping together because she hates the way i dress. she thinks i dress like a slut or i dress too old for my age. she hates my makeup because her theory is that all naturale is the best for girls my age and you should only amp up the makeup once you get to her age. she hates it when my hair is down because she says i look like a crazy, uneducated girl. she hates my sunnies because she thinks they're too big for my face. who do i think i am? a supermodel? she hates my shoes because i wear heels too much. she hates the fact that i put on nail polish because its tacky looking and only older women should put on nailpolish. she hates rings because they're tacky. she hates earrings because they're tacky. she hates the fact that i wear contacts becasue contacts are bad for my eyes and my eyes are always red because of them.

i cant tell her about the guy im seeing.
i talk to her about guys in general. not specific guys that i date or i like. but what kind of person i should be looking for or what type of guys attract me. yes that we talk about. but i could never introduce her to a boyfriend who doesnt fit her mould. dont get me wrong, my mother doesnt mind me dating. she just minds who it is. because in her mind... the essence of dating is still marraige. you dont date for no reason.. you date because someday JUST MAYBE you could end up spending the rest of your life with that person.
and if thats the case she wants my guy to be PERFECT. the PERFECT that she wants to impose on me. the PERFECT that when i think about i want to chuck.
sure its got the usual good, caring person blahblahblah
but its also got the
has to be highly educated
has to come from the same family background as you
cant be too goodlooking (no logic right there)
has to be chinese

and that criteria.. i cant deal with. who knows i may end up marrying a guy like that some where WAY down the track. but right now i bite my thumb at the abovementioned points (whoa that abovementioned word shouldnt be used here... sorry essay writing at the moment hence why haha)

we cant be in the same room without snapping at each other for a little bit at least.
she always thinks shes right. even though she says she doesnt she does.
i mean even ivy has picked up on it!
before i used to be all.. "well if im right and she's wrong im gonna fight for my opinion to be heard" mindset. but now.. after relentless screaming at each other ive realised the best medicine in these situations is just silence or just a mere nod of the head and move on.
for example!
my mum is quite obsessed with baileys. haha funny aye?
anyway i was showing her a shotglass that billy bought me from NZ and i was like mum.. you can use this to drink your baileys! and she turned to me and said you cant drink baileys like that. its got too much alcohol in it you can only sip it like wine.
i remained silent and just nodded and smiled.
why dig myself into a hole aye?
im standing 10m away and im loving the view

my mum also likes very much to remind me that well you see... im not a very nice, polite, selfless person. i used to be all that when i was a kid. but now... ive turned into this rude, selfish, hot tempered monster whose going to fail in life because i cant manage relationships with anybody because im just too hard to get along with. :)

but you know what? even after all that.. i dont think im jealous of other girls who have such fantastic relationships with their mothers. i think ive grown acustomed to this constant battle i wage at home with folks.
thats not to say that I myself dont want to have a great relationship with my daughter. im gonna be the coolest mum ever. do you know why? because ill already know what pushes daughter and mother relationships apart. and i know i wont make the same mistakes that my mum did.
i dont blame her though i know she wants the best for me. but she just doesnt show it in a loving manner. maybe its with all chinese parents? or maybe its just with all chinese parents who think the main goal in life is to have a successful career

im still grateful though. im grateful that shestayed in australia for me. the money she's spent on me. how much she pushed me. because otherwise i wouldnt be where i am now.

i just wish she would try a bit harder to UNDERSTAND me.

but it is mothers day on sunday and im gonna be that sweet daughter that she wants me to be. so basically hair in bun, fringe pinned back, no makeup, glasses on, my earrings off, baggy trackies, baggy tshirt, woollen sweater. im pretty sure that'll be the best mother's day present i can give her.

so on mother's day give your mum a hug even if you havent hugged her since you were 10. tell her youappreciate her even though sometimes its doubtful. tell her she looks beautiful and hasnt aged at all. tell her thank you for putting up with all the stupid things ive done this year. tell her that you'll work harder this year to make her happier and to decrease teh number of times she has to yell at you.

just tell her you love her because this is the only one time of the year you say it. (well the only time of the year i say it)

love

2009-05-05T06:43:00.000-07:00

still waiting

staring into nothing

no i take that back
staring into my disgustingly chipped nail polish, with around 20 files open on my computer. listening to michelle branch and crunching on some vitaweat and almonds and hugging a hot water bottle.

did i even mention you in that sentence?

lisa's birthday in 10 mins!

2009-05-04T05:29:00.000-07:00

its not meant to be this hard.

at least i dont think it is.

i dont think im being needy or expecting too much.

i let you live the way you wanna live even though i dont think much of it. i dont nag you about stuff anymore. i definitely dont nag you in front of your friends.

but how hard is it to include me in your life? to sms me now and then just to say hi babe going home now or just finished work or good morning have a good day at uni. sms not because you have something to really say to me but just to sms me just so that i know you're there.
i KNOW you're not a phone person but i still dont think im asking for too much...

so now i have my doubts as to how much you want me in your life. it seems as if im the one making the effort whenever im free from studying to go and see you. even if its just for a few minutes at the shop.

but when im with you its a totally different story. what you did for me last weekend. when im with you and you you dont want me to leave and you say you miss me. thats how i wanna feel... every day.

youve said you dont wanna distract me while im studying. i really dont think thats a valid enough excuse. im happy you want me to do well at uni. but i dont know when you say you dont wanna contact me whether its really because you have my best interests at heart or whether you really cant be stuffed.

so is it me?
or is it you?
or is it the both of us?

2009-04-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

the more i see you
the more time i want to spend with you

you told me i was like a cigarette.
i cant really call you my cigarette cuz i smoke haha but you can be my coffee.
the more i have the more i want and when i get a whiff of it... it completely teases my senses

but you threw me off today.
i dont think you realise when you throw these comments out without any second thought and think im going to take it well.

i do take it well. thats just the person i am. i take it well to your face. and then when i think about it some more... doesnt go down so well after that. and then i think and i think and i think and i think and i dont stop until i sort it out.

yeah i do think too much. but thats what makes me different from all the girls before right?
and its that difference that makes the boys like me too right?

what do YOU think?
do YOU think your comment today threw me off?
tell me...

2009-04-27T05:20:00.000-07:00

words are such cryptic things.
one word could have a million different meanings when put in different contexts
one person's interpretation of a word can be extremely different from that of another's.

when i speak to people ive known for a while or people im close to i dont usually think before i open my mouth. i say what comes to my mind the minute that thought sneaks its ugly head into my brain.
i like to think that this means im a truthful and honest person with people im close with. i like to think it means im not being all fake and two-faced.
but what i dont think about sometimes is maybe words hurt. maybe even a little joke hurts you. maybe even one little smart comment can hurt
my mum always tells me that "young people think they know everything... they think that life is all about "being yourself" and "standing up for everything you believe in"" and i always argue with her because ive always thought that being yourself will get you somewhere. standign up for what you believe in will get you somewhere.

but im having second thoughts

in the corporate world.. does being yourself really mean you will get far? if im all for not kissing the boss's ass and thats something that i believe in and i dont do it... then theres a high possibility that the ass-kisser will get the promotion and not me

if im always being myself, arent i just opening myself up with a neon sign over me saying "vulnerable girl here.. take your shots"?

i guess im still living in that idealised world where i CAN stand up for everything i believe
but i guess thats not really the way the world spins. not the real world anyway.
and i guess i do put real world before pecy world

there are some things that you morally condemn and maybe even though you know that it happens all the time and even to those that you care about, you never wanna see it actually happening to them in your presence.
but when you do see it happening, how are you supposed to react?
are you supposed to show how disgusted you are? or do you hide your disgust and put on a brave face and just soak it in without a word?
i dont wanna be that person who just stands around watching people screw up their lives.
but i dont want to be that person who becomes a nuisance to people because i try so hard to push my own moralities onto them.
so is it a lose-lose situation?
i cant help you and you disintegrate?
OR
i try too hard to help you and you push me away?

HAHA i dont think i could live with either option

where are you?

2009-04-26T05:01:00.000-07:00

well here i am back again.
rested from a week of hecticness. well not really rested cuz my legs are aching from walking from darling habour to the cross and then from st james back to darling harbour on like 15 cm heels.
no joke aye? what i do to try (and yeah i am using the word try so shut your face if you wanted to comment) and be tall.
but im sure you understand what i mean. mentally rested i guess you could put it. i dont have to think about any upcoming exams anymore till stuvac. its just 2 more assignments and this semester will be over and it'll be winter break!
i have yet to make plans for winter break which sucks because i would like to be going somewhere and doing something productive.

where do i see myself in a year's time?
- in a relationship
- skinnier
- less ciggies
- still getting good marks
- not living in cherrybrook anymore
- more efficient with my time management issues
- more tolerant of others
- more mature

wow
thats a shit list

ill get back to you when i find something more productive to put on that list.

speak soon

2009-04-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

had a fantastic night on saturday! and even though itll be my only free day duirng these midsems it was completely worth it!
i dont really have any photos except for the ones that bon took with the ruse girls at dinner.
dont have any photos of the usyders or the nsgs. see i knew i wouldnt keep to my take a lot of photos of my life idea HAHA fail

i love her so so much :(

yay for the girls who could come out! funfunfun (+ deb who came bowling )

sunday was wasted as well so apart from being stressed for uni im pretty content with life:)

CANNOT WAIT FOR THE 24th to COME! then PARTAY again... just once more

ohand yes i drove to the city on saturday night (FIRST TIME!). and i have to say that the streets in ultimo are friggin impossible to manouver. i mean who knew there would be so many one ways and no right turns? we got to ultimo probably a few streets from mike's place and took us half an hour to actually get in front of his house. SEE? ridiculous i say! but then again when i drove home it only took me 40 mins if that. i AM soooo driving from now on when i go out.

the weather's pretty miserable but thats ok... makes me not wanna go out so i can stay and study like the good girl that i am

speak soon lover!

probably after my exams

2009-04-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

ok there are three types of girls in my view

1. THE BEAUTIFUL

ok this girl is what you would call a classic beauty i guess. she's not wildly eccentric looking. she may not even be hot. but her face is proportioned rightly. she dresses so appropriately for each occasion. and she oozes elegance and sophistication. she's probably intelligent, well spoken, opinionated and one of those true 21st century women who are trying to make it in this man's world. Men probably find her intimidating and hence until she finally finds someone who understands her she'll be lonely. She's probably very stubborn and doesnt listen to the advice of others and too head strong to apologise for things. For chinese (not really asians.. i dont know what other asian cultures think of beautiful women) a classic beauty in my belief would be very very very white, a small face love heart face, eyes that arent too big so that they look more westernised nor eyes that are too small that they look like the cartoons of chinese people. a high small nose. flawless skin. ie. channelling zhangzi yi

2. THE HOTTIE

ok so she's a bit wild. she looks wild and dresses wild. she wants to stand out from the crowd and most importantly she probably loves it when men stare at her. this type girl is what all guys around our age aim to be able to nail down (well in my opinion anyway). however, these are also the types of girls that well frankly men dont really respect. all she oozes is probably just sex and a "come hither" vibe, but after sex what else will a man see in her? nothing basically. so she just becomes this little play thing that no one could give a shit about. she probably has a small collection of tattoos. her tongue and belly pierced. doesnt own anything past her knee or anything covering her stomach. her boobs are probably hanging out of every piece of clothing she owns. she's usually confident, cocky but not stimulating. so when she talks to guys she will be sexually mesmerizing but when youa ctual listen to her talk, underneath her extreme use of dirty words, you'll find no substance whatsoever. elegance? sophistication? SAY WHAT? when i think hot, i think big smoky eyes, little black dress, high stilletos, for some reason a big mouth (HAHAHA) and long straight hair. channelling tila tequila.

3. THE CUTIE

she's adorable. she probably wears fluffy things. little kitten heels all the time. she probably has big goggly eyes that stare at you like little puppies. she probably doesnt even have a solid understanding of what sex is. she's probably the most innocent thing you've ever seen. she probably likes pink. or likes cute soft toys that she always wants you to buy her. or win her at capitol. she probably never raises her voice but you still end up losing the fights because you look into those crazy puppy dog eyes and you just give in. she probably looks really pretty and cute standing next to you and all your friends think she's adorable too. you guys probably never fight anyway becasue whatever you say goes cuz she's accommodating like that. she probably doesnt have much of a say in matters not because she doesnt want to but becase she probably doesnt really understand whats going on anyway. her main goal in life is to stand there and look cute. and boy does she do a good job. i'm thinking BIG ROUND eyes, short and skinny, lots of mobile jingle thingys little cute hats, little kitten heels (cuz they're too short to wear flats even to uni) frilly and lacey little skirts. channelling Rainie

yeap thats my generalisation of the day. im not trying to say what im saying is true. its just something to mull over and to think how many of these types or similar types of girls you know.

anyway today my dad said the most racist thing EVER. we were watching americna idol and one of the ex american idol people came on. it was this blonde country singer chick and she was wearing a silver strapless dress that ended just above her knee. and my dad was like thats a very nice dress. and cuz im a smartass i said you wouldnt let me out of the house in a dress like that. AND GUESS WHAT HE SAID?

ITS

CUZ

YOU

DONT

HAVE

BLONDE

HAIR

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHA

omg me and ivy just cracked up sooooooo hard. its not even that racist its just the most idiotic logic EVER. hahahahaha my mum was dumbstruck at how stupid my dad was too. haha hilariousssssss

30/04/09. will be a significant day.

xpeaceout

2009-04-07T06:58:00.000-07:00

im not something that will appear in your life when you want me to appear. im not something that you pick up when you're bored and put back down when you have something else to do.

i DESERVE better than that.

and i CAN get better than that

so tell me why i feel this way? tell me why i feel this way but i dont do anything about it?

i want so badly for you to say that im not just your little play thing. sometimes i actually believe you think me more than that. but other times my confidence on us comes crashing down.

maybe we're still playing games? maybe if i wanna spend time with you i should just say, "hey lets spend more time together". and maybe if you want to spend time with me you should tell me "hey dog your friends i wanna spend time with you"

whatever this is i feel like a frequeny wave. my emotions when im with you peak and then when i dont hear from you for like a gazillion years im in a trough.
ive always been against relationships that are turbulent like that. we're all still young why but yourself through all that up and down?

im confused
help me figure it out?

2009-04-07T05:44:00.000-07:00

i derno if im pushing you away
or you're pushing me away

i dont even know if i can be bothered to care anymore because even if i do do something wrong obviously you arent going to tell me.

im kinda at that stage where i think "hey this could go somewhere" and other times im thinking
"we're just wasting both our time".

how much do we even both mean to each other?

if you put it in perspective i dont think a whole lot.

prove me wrong?

2009-04-07T05:06:00.000-07:00

byran greenberg
most people know him from one tree hill as jake. the sweet single dad that has to do eveyrthing for his little girl and who peyton completely falls for
but have you seen him in prime?
o-h-m-y-d-e-a-r
theres this one scene where you see his back without his shirt on and omgoshhh you can see all the fucking defined muscles and ohmygosh ohmygosh
prime is an awesome movie.
facial hair can be very sexy.
well on byran greenberg haha

oh
and also
adam levine is sex on legs.
seriously
NO SERIOUSLY
i would die if i could just touch his hand.
ill have a convulsive attack right there

i love two and a half men. its such dry humour its fucking hilarious.
i shop had the decency of selling me dunhill ciggies for 14.20 today. thats 3.2 more than what cealz can get them for me... which is like my morning coffee
cheapcheap asian shopkeepers

i wanna go back to beijing or shanghai or hk and work for stephen jacques mallesons.

2009-04-06T04:28:00.000-07:00

ok 2 mins to blog again!
finc tmr.. then im gonna be relieved for like an afternoon then back at it for the THREE ASSESSMENTS I HAVE FIRST WEEK BACK AFTER MIDSEM BREAK
contracts whcih i havnet even started and regression which i havnet either.
UGHUGHUGHUGHUGH.
they lie about mid-sem break. it shouldnt be called that it should be called mid-sem-catch-up-on-your-assessments week. im stressted like a motherfucker.
but im allowed to rest for one day right?
well thats what i keep telling myself anyway

im pretty clothes driven i guess. but i would rather spend 2 hours clicking away on ebay then actually move my lazy fat ass and go shopping the conventional way. plus when you do that you end up buying things which like NEARLY EVERY OTHER SINGLE GIRL will own. which sucks. i hate looking like someone else.
its not bad also that ebay is dirt cheap too.
me and brands dont mix. im more like why buy something that costs 500 bux when you can buy 10 things for that same amount of money?
im not really into the flaunting brand thing. sure if something is really nice and i believe its a sound investment then ill buy it. but buying something for the sake of having that thing because of its brand.. well its just not up my alleyway.
plus branded stuff usually all look the same and doesnt really show much personality in the way you dress.
im a big believer that the way you dress denotes the person you are.
call me superficial or whatever.
couldnt really care less.

WISH ME LUCK FOR MY EXAM TMR!
xpeace

2009-04-04T04:11:00.001-07:00

oh yeah
i need to stop saying fuck so much
i just read through some of the stuff i write..
and its just so potty mouthish

yeap
thats
it

2009-04-04T04:02:00.000-07:00

ok i have three mins to blog

i had something i wanted to talk about and now its gone straight outta my head!

i hate finance.
i HATE waiting for trains by yourself for half an hour.

i love ryan reynolds.

I HATE ibises.
i HATE when my mum gets fucking pms and takes it out all on me

i love sleeping

i hate how its sososo cold today and will be for the next week.

i love that we get an extra hour of sleep tonight cuz of changes to daylight saving
I LOVE THE FACT THAT MID-SEM BREAK IS COMING UP :)

ok well that took more than 3 mins cuz i couldnt think of anything to write

ill write something more when my head isnt so filled with fucking annuities and present value and capital budgeting

x

2009-04-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

im a big believer about communication.
you have a problem you voice it out, you talk about it, you compromise, you solve it.
i dont believe that keeping it inside of yourself is emotionally healthy at all
because one day everything that you keep inside of yourself is just gonna blow up and you'll end up like a spastic, crazy nutso
and this is why we have friends, family, loved ones etc etc. they're there for you to communicate with, to share your feelings with, to get advice from and they should just be there to even perform the fucking simple duty of listening.
the best ways of solving a problem is for both parties to rationally sit down together and work through it. for both sides to say what they're feeling, what they think the other party did wrong, what they think the solution should be.

but i guess thats the way i deal with problems. maybe because im such a vocal person i tend to become more vocal and talkative and probably more annoying when im dealing with a problem.
i get it that people deal with problems their own way.
i just wish you would talk about your problems with me.
so maybe i can feel a part of your life more
and maybe i can feel that you take me seriously

"if you're gonna play with fire, you're gonna get burnt"

xlove

2009-04-01T03:50:00.000-07:00

shit
i
think
i
went
overboard

fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck

i really wish i could take it back...
i really really really really really do

ok so i have a fucked up sense of humor...
:(

2009-03-31T04:24:00.000-07:00

I MISS MY HAIR
the hair i had at the end of last year.
ok so i dont miss the colour. it was a bit too orange back then. the colour now is nice. but i fucking miss the length and how it was nice and smooth
now.. my hair feels like barbie hair.. and not just normal barbie hair... but fucking the barbie hair that i chop off ugliest barbie to make her into my make believe "ken"

see how fucked up stereotyping is? it draws you into a blackhole and you're stuck until you can claw your way back out... you start thinking people who dont go to uni arent worthy, you start to think that people who look "skanky" or "sleazy" or whatever are actually skanky and sleazy.
then you meet them and you realise, fuck how wrong was i?
SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE???
hahahaah i win. i win. i win.

im the resident "girl filler" as davo kindly put it. im the girl all the guys come to when they have problems ie. girl problems. im like fucking resident girl-psychoanalyst or somethng just cuz i am a girl. ok i guess thats a good excuse... and i guess i should be glad when my guy friends ask me to help them out. makes me feel like one of the boys.
HAHAHAHA.
wow im one of the boys:)
HECTIKKK BRAH

i wore thongs today....and my feet were sooo chat.. then we had to walk to redfern with a small umbrella and 3 people. chat chat chat.
i hate rainy weather. I HATE RAINY WEATHER but this whole week is rainy.

have i ever told you guys how hot macedonian guys are? AHAH
i kid
i kid

xpeaceout

2009-03-30T04:46:00.000-07:00

dont you hate it when people treat you like an idiot?
here you are, neon lights blazing and all, that you're trying your best.. that you're slowly trying to grasp the idea of a concept and people seem to just think they're too superior to help you out...
you werent always as smart as you think you are.. you were once a dumbshit baby too.. pooping everywhere, dribbling food down your shirt... dont be such a cocky bastard pls.

TIMOMATIC left sytycd. omgggggggggoshhh im so distraught. that guy fucking pushes all my buttons. and his last dance was HECCCTTTIIICCCCCCCCCC.
if an asian and an african-america had babies. do you reckon they'll be pretty?
or would they jsut get the small asian eyes and the fat nose? gawd.. im picturing that in my head and it dont look too pretty atm...
i want my kid to be pretty.
as superficial as this sounds.. and i might very much get flamed for this... it doesnt hurt to be good looking in life. things do come to you easier. this is why i do not have a problem with using your God given assets to their fullest potential.
i dont knwo what that was about but CONCLUSION IS THAT.. i want my kid to be good looking.
i want a boy who will play basketball, soccer, piano, drums and still be smart
i want a girl who will be a ballerina, learn piano, learn how to sing and still be smart
and if i cnat get that... ill be popping out as many as i can to get it..

HAHAH
I KID
I KID
(mind the pun)

dudeeeeee having children is like.. not even a thought in my mind right now.. hahaha i cant even process next year in my brain. i cant even process next week! oh except for that fucking finc test.
i feel sorry for the micro kids.. 40% test! and the day after finc. EKKKKK

i just had a punnet of strawberries, a plum, a nectarine, a bunch of grapes and an apple.. all after i had dinner... yay for autumn and for fruit!

"cold as fire baby... hot as ice.. if you've never been to heaven this is twice as nice"

xmuchlovekiddos

2009-03-29T05:48:00.000-07:00

its nearly 12 am

i can hear my neighbours dog whining and its breaking my heart. the fact that i can hear if over bachelor girl means something must be wrong with the poor beast.

mum says its probably lonely... but my neighbours have 3 kids... one in high school, one my age and another older one.. how can a dog be lonely in a family like that?

it keeps whining....................................

anyway im blogging cuz ive realised that people actually read this piece of shit and the head count is uno - me.

i spent this weekend not doing anything but going on ebay and chictopia. which is a fucking waste of time and ebay a waste of money.

but i love the thrill of ebay

see my strategy (sshhh) is to always bid 5 mins before the bidding closes cuz by then the highest bidder gets complacent and like wont probably check as much to see if they're still the highest bidder and then like a stealthy cat in the night you slip underneath them and get that muthafucking hot dress or wahtever...

WORKS BRO

most of the time... unless you meet someone that i met todya... stole the dress from me with 2 more seconds of bidding... piece of ............................................

it was sucha hot dress too :(

anywayyyyy enough of that

how cruel are humans? we eat everything.

ok rephrase.. chinese people eat everything...

i had chicken feet on thursday, chicken neck on friday and duck tongue today. DUCK TONGUE.. i knowww sounds festy... it is festy to look at... but pretty good to eat. 50 bux a kilo hhahaha i guess they're quite rare commodities i mean one duck only has one tongue...

but its so yummy. luckly i dont like our feathered friends.

when you see someone on the street that you thought you had forgotten about and have a major, exaggerated reaction. what does that mean? does it mean that.. inside you havent completely let them go? or is it just such a strong, extreme hate towards that person you cant help but violently express your opinion even if you overtly swear like a complete potty mouth?

well im obviously leaning towards the 2nd opinion because i guess im trying to tell myself that i no longer give a shit about that person. PATHETIC MUCH?

throughout this whole weekend me and my cousin have devoured a whole cereal back of light and tasty apricot cereal.. fucking addictive i swear!!

its now 12:30. i just had some family friends come over. one of them, shes a really sweet lady and i really like her.. shes so generous.. shes a skeleton now. shes lost so much weight since last time ive seen her and it looks as if shes aged 10 years... mum says she isnt eating cuz she thinks shes fat... the last time i saw her which was like last year before i went overseas.. she looked so much more healthier.

i bet her husband told her she looked fat.

fucking men and their stupid misconceptions about weight and body image. no wonder girls are going through anorexia. claps for all you guys out there who love to tell girls how flabby they are or whatever... maybe you should think before you open your big fat mouths next time?

ok well i think thats enough of what i wanna say for tonight.

ps. i actually realy like jess mauboy's new song... been waiting. such a catchy tune. and shes lost quite a lot of weight...

pps. theres another song which is fucking hilarious called dont trust me by.. this weird band that i dont know how to write their band name. its two guys.. and the video clip is just them being idiots with hot girls.

pps. you know what song gets on my nerves? ja hoi by the pussycat dolls and the curry guy. SPARE ME... today whenever i turned on channelv that song was playing.. GAWD

ppps. i dont get britney's new song "seeking amy" or whatever? waht does it mean? the mtv makes it look as if shes livng a double life where shes teh perfect girl in front of the cameras but inside shes crazy/slutty/bondage-obssessed. so is amy her alterego? confused brah!

x peaceout

cuz im gay like that.. deal with it:)

2009-03-27T03:00:00.000-07:00

tired as hell again.
i woke up 10 mins before my bus to work.
and i saw my friend david on the bus back from work. i met him when we worked at woolies together. and he's sucha sweetheart. such a nice guy. makes me miss woolies a bit.
he told me the guys who i had heaps of fun with (sam, lloyd, mark, bree) had all left. and now theyve got a new manager and everything.
he still works in seafood once a week and he says it suckssssssss.
he's going to uni now after a year at a film school in redfern. proves that education will always be open to you if you choose to pursue it.
anyway im about to go and strip my poor fingernails of my black nail polish. think im gonna let my nails breathe for a week or two before i start painting them again
my parents talked about a family trip during easter midsem break. :(
where is there to go in the middle of april?
leave you with a piccy that i took when i went back to china. i did a photoshoot thingy and it was heaps of fun! me and my 2 cousins spent the whole day at the studio putting on makeup and then getting shot. most of them are a little explicit so ill put up 1. i look like a .... i derno.. i think i look like a kid
anyway
peaceout x

2009-03-25T06:25:00.000-07:00

im so scared
im like shaking at the moment

tomorrow cannot come quick enough. i wish i could get this over and done with. itll be like a weight off my shoulders.. like BIG TIME

mozzie bites: 11
yeah bitches.. ive got 11.
feels like the chicken pox again :(

lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove

2009-03-24T06:33:00.001-07:00

im sick of this situation.
so heres my ultimatum

heres your chance

take it or leave it

2009-03-24T03:31:00.000-07:00

if being wise means going through this much pain.. i fucking dont care if im a dumbshit.

yeah... my wisdom teeth have decided to greet me. and omgggg i am in sooo much pain. i cannot chew with the right side of my mouth due to the fact that my gum at the back of my mouth will just holler in protest. PAINFUL PAINFUL.
i will not resort to painkillers. mum offered me panadol and neurofen. no way am i taking drugs to make this more bearable. im gonna take it as a man. (and yes i know panadol and neurofen arent really drugs... CALM DOWN)

also since when did mossies start popping up around in autumn? ive become a feeding ground for mosquitos. i have... 7 mosquito bites on me. SEVEN in one day... reminds me of thailand where i had like 20 on my legs. but luckily this time.. i have 3 on my face! isnt that just lovely? it looks like im breaking out in pimples... SSSSSWWWWEEEETTTTTTT
the most itchiest one and the hardest one to scratch is actually the one on my pinky. damnnnnnnnn its sooooooooo ITCHYYYY
i hate mosquitos... OMG
that just reminded me
i couldnt sleep yesterday night cuz i thought i heard mosquitos in my room! THATS PROBABLY WHERE I GOT MY BITES FROM AYE?
i hate it when you're trying to sleep and you hear that bzzzzz sound. makes me soooooo paranoid but i dont wanna sleep under the covers either cuz i cant breathe. hahaha
urgh:(

on a brighter note.. i had hurstville chicken roll for dinner tonight. and i must say they are still quite the bomb.

the weather is BEAUTIFUL. excpet in the mornings when i walk outside at 7:20 on the dot and its freeezzzinngggg. and my car is all fogged up and i cant see anything so i have to put on the airconditioning and even though ive got it on the window settings it still makes my car like 5 degrees. so i sit there for like half an hour, yes it takes me that long to get to the station in the morning cuz of traffic and my parking techniques (must leave adequate time to park), shivering my knickers off. totally dreadful!

massive readings to do again this week

xx

2009-03-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

i am so so so so tired
i feel as if i could sleep forever but obviously im not sleeping and im trying to study finance for which i have a mid-sem in 10 days. even though it is multiple choice questions my head still spins when i hear present vale, future value, coupon rates, face value and the sort

i need to take more photos of my life. i used to remember when my mum used to bring a camera everywhere we went. and whenever she got it out me and my dad would groan because we knew we would be spending the next 15 mins faking a smile or posing with a ridiculous backdrop behind us.
my mum used to always tell me you'll never get the chance to be at this very spot at the same age. so why not cherish the moment and have something to remember it by?
i used to think my mum was a vaino. haha
i think its in the genes but because im a vaino too:)
anyway yes back to the photo thing. yeah i think im gonna take my camera around with me more often and just take snapshots of everyday life. my friends, my uni, my significant others.
although i dont think im vain enough to take pictures of what i wear everyday. i find that funny. ahah unless of course you have a fashion blog.
ie. wwww.karlascloset.blogspot.com (gold!)

lilly allen's the fear sums up about everything thats important in this life

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don't care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them
And I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous.

I'll look at the sun and I'll in the mirror
I'm on the right track, yeah I'm on to a winner.

I don't know whats right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And When do you think it will all become clear?
'Cuz I'm being taking over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and cussing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I'm packing plastic
And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic
And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And it's not my fault it's how I'm programmed to function

I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track, yeah we're on to a winner.

I don't know whats right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cuz I'm being taking over by The Fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
'Cuz I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

I don't know whats right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And When do you think it will all become clear?
'Cuz I'm being taking over by The Fear

i love spending time with you and just being in your prescence. you're kinda like that spice factor in my whole world of ordinariness. you tell me things that i would never have known before. you make me feel as if im so so special. if thats not enough then i dont know what is.

if these are my feelings in present value, then continously compounded for 8 years, what will the future value of my feelings be?
HAHAHAHAHAHA OK FUCK THAT WAS SO LAME

x peaceout

2009-03-20T04:28:00.000-07:00

maybe we dont match as much as we think we do

maybe i tell you off too much

maybe we ARE too different

maybe i cant change you the way i want to

maybe you dont care about the nagging now but in the future you will

maybe you're just infatuated at this moment. but thats all it is. an infatuation

maybe i still cant let myself go because i'm too scared that this mended piece of shit i call a heart is gonna get smashed again

maybe i cant handle so many girls chasing after you knowing that you probably have much more things in common with them than you do with me

maybe im not as good as you think i am

maybe you dont even like me as much as you think you do

maybe im just a waste of your time

i could list 100 maybes.
i could only find 1 definite.
1 vs. 100
which one do you pick?

2009-03-19T05:02:00.001-07:00

i think its become a weekly habit
i got another note today from someone
and this person threatened to call the police if i did it again!
BITCH
dude all i did was like park a little into the driveway.. like a TINSY MINISCULE bit of my car's ass was in the driveway. and she/he had a fucking panic attack.
anyway yeah man i suck at parking... ive realised that its just not a skill thats part of the "pecy system"

ALSO...
people need to stop coming up to me and asking me for cigarettes. seriosuly... just buy your own pack! blooddyyyy helll....... and like they ask oh can i buy one off you? AND OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE NOT GONNA SAY YEAH THATS 2BUX THANKS... and its always guys who freakin ask. i think its cuz they think im just a little girl who probably would just say yes.

damn. they're right... HAHA
but stilllllllllllllllllllllllll

i just ate vitaweats, doritos, soy crisps and grapes. EPIC. i thought i was gonna faint on the train home from lack of food. dont you love that feeling of when you're hungry and you eat anything and its so satisfying?
reminds me of the time at law camp where i was imagining a kebab and just "peeling away" the "foil wrapper" of my "kebab".. it was amazing and it made everyone else crave kebabs too haha

anyway im tired

i left my SID at uts... damn idiot

x

2009-03-18T06:22:00.000-07:00

omgosh
i am getting so fucking frustrated
this is once again... not worth my fucking emotions
because once again im caring too much

i wish i was a cold heartless bitch
well at least more of a cold heartless bitch than i am now

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JKFJSOIEWUOIEWUFOIJFWOIGHWROUGHWOIGJWROKJGRWIOGHROGHROKWJGVROIWDJM9'
-9YJKFLDEOIWRNV JSDKFHVW0IEFYGE-8R4KEHFKMNV09UR1OIHRGI
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OWUROEWIJAKLJDLKFHY0E T

OK THAT WAS ME BANGING MY KEYBOARD
I THINK I MIGHT HAVE BROKEN MY LAPPY
GOOD WORK CHAMP GOOD WORK

2009-03-18T05:26:00.000-07:00

I DO NOT HAVE A SMOKERS FACE
omggggggossshhhhh waaaayyyyyyy tooooo mannnyyyy cooommmmeeennntttsssss about how pale i am these days! WAY TOO MANY

i had a really nice talk with jess today and it kinda made me realise how independent i want to be. and how much im basing my life on just fun and study. study which is a commitment that i have to make and fun... well... because im young.
but once i graduate its not gonna be just fun and work. its gonna be... i derno... LIFE.
a husband, kids, a mortgage, crazy in-laws and all that jazz
it made me laugh a bit when jess told me today that i dont seem like the type to settle down. haha its amazing how many people give me that comment. and i guess its true i mean how are people going to think that im the type that wants to have a long term relationship or wants to get married early when every guy i meet treats me like one of his boys? haha one of his mates that is just as masculine, IF NOT EVEN MORE SO. haha hence this is why i have more boy friends than girl friends i guess.
but thats not true i dont think. i do wanna settle down and have that consistency in my life. just its becuase my attention span is like that of a 5 y/o with certain things doesnt mean its gonna be like that for EVERYTHING aspect of my life.
i like routine even though it seems like i dont.
i like stability even though it seems like i dont
i like having not a million friends, but just a few close tight real friends
i like to be the object of one guy's affection even though it seems like i want everyones.

i pawn everyone in the penis game:)

2009-03-17T06:11:00.000-07:00

im blogging everyday now!
wow what an achievement
anyway
today
my shoe broke
so today during my fiancne tut when i had to walk up to the board and present i walked up barefoot. see but i was also wearing my genie pants today.. so basically i was just oozing hoboness out of me.
walked all the way from electrical engineering to city road.. and mind you thats a fucking long walk... see i tried to make people think that i had shoes so i held my broken shoes in my hand so you know proving that yes i do like to wear shoes to uni
i was scared they wouldnt let me on the bus barefoot but i dont think anyone saw. BUT when i got to townhall i felt even more self conscious cuz it was peak hour time and so many people were rushing around.
so i nearly ran into nitrogen and asked for some tape. ahah i didnt wanna tape my shoes up inside the shop cuz that would look totally bad for them. so i sad outside on the steps and was taping my shoes when this guy walks past and he's full smiling at me... that pity poor litte girl with the broken shoe smile. you know thoese ones :P
haha when i got home
my mum chucked away my shoes. :( i was gonna fix them
BUT
NO FEAR
I JUST WENT AND RETRIEVED THEM.. i will fix them you watch and they will look brand new! trust me!
i went to the lumiere gym today with the boys.. i am soooo fucking unfit these days since i havnet properly gymmed since leaving for china. and plus going barefoot wasnt very optimal either

today me and peter had teh funniest conversation with this random guy sitting next to us at wentowrth. that guy had already like 5 jugs of beer and he was jsut going off. hahaha wouldnt shutup! and he was quite touchy feely. and he was old :(

had enough of old guys. urgh

muchlove!

2009-03-16T02:56:00.000-07:00

i'm grateful that you're as understanding as you are.
maybe its not a good thing. maybe it means you dont give a shit about me.
OR
maybe you dont want me to stress out knowing that you are angry or pissed off.

its the little things that count. a smile, a kiss on the cheek, a hug.
or just seeing your face after a few days.

whoa slow down sister.
shields are very important. must keep your one intact.
cuz if you dont... then welll.....
history always repeats itself

x peaceout

2009-03-13T05:17:00.001-07:00

oh yeah forgot to ask?
anyone wanna move out too?:)

2009-03-13T04:11:00.000-07:00

it hurts more when you talk behind my back then when you tell me straight to my face.
so next time.. instead of bustling around like little housewives with nothing to live for but gossip you guys should just come up to me and tell me what you think of me.
i like it much better that way.
no need to be pussy. just be a man.
oops did i say be a man? sorryyy forgot you guys are still only boys.

hence why i only go for older boys now.
do i sound like a bitch?
oh really? haha ok then. :)

i LOVEEEEEEEE Katy Perry. she is sooo friggin awesome. have you heard her others songs on her album?
Self-inflicted and Thinking of You are AWESOME tracks.
today my parents told me that i should move out for 3 months!! ahhaha just to get a taste of what its like. ive said this before i know a few times but then my mum was the only one that was kinda supportive... when i told my dad last year mum said i can move out just for the experience he told me that if i wanted to move out i wouldnt be allowed back.
HARSH RIGHT?!
anywayyyy so yeah today during dinner there was some argument about the amount of dinner i was eating and so my dad was like something about moving out and then ill be working more and then ill probably be eating more. OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES...
haha idont really care their reason.. all i care about is moving outt!!
but im thinking maybe not this sem? cuz this sem we have 2 units of law and its pretty busy...
i really wanna move to the city but i know i probably wont be able to afford it :(
somewhere like surry hills or like i dernnnoooooooooooo... just somewhere convenient!!!!
well im gonna go off now and google some apartments for rent just so i can get an idea of the market at the moment!!
HEHE EXCITING!!

2009-03-11T02:56:00.000-07:00

once again my head is playing tricks on me again
ahah
must stop listening to it

im in love with the new kelly clarkson song!
omgggggggg it is a voice of reason
not really hahaah

enjoying uni much much more this week so dont worry no one will see me in front of uts tmr hyperventilating sorry for the unsightly scene last week.

uts has become my home. i was there on monday morning before class. i was there today and i shall be going tmr for the whole day. im in love with the library and how utterly convenient it is.
and ive realised lots of very stylish people go to uts. so i guess its unsw thats just left with the ones who cant dress.. ie. the fobs.. omg that was mean. sorry unsw
i guess im also biased cuz my muzza works there at uts ahaha

my very very favourite lines

I know that I’ve got issues
But you’re pretty messed up too
Anyway, I found out I’m nothing without you

(so trueeeeee...)

Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you, but I can’t let go

(right back at ya clarkson)

so this morning i was in a rush to catch the train.. and for some reason parking was just happening for me today! like i could not get my car in a very good spot. then i scooped out this stretch of curbside that had no cars parked there. and it was long enough for 2 cars to be parked easy. BUT because of my shocking parking this morning i basically parked right in the middle of the space and hence no other car could park there....
when i got to the car this arvo... someone stuck a note and told me it was impolite to take up the whole room when there is room for another car.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
you must excuse a p-plater but... sorry mr anal but i bet you were just as shocking as me when you were on your Ps.
enough said

crim and civil is really intersting at the moment learning about all hte police powers and what they are entitled to do and what is a breach of their conduct in regrds to arresting, searching, entering and seizing.

ok
byebye sweets

2009-03-09T06:13:00.000-07:00

oops
haha
letting myself feel hurt again
must keep away from that area
MUST KEEP AWAY

2009-03-08T01:04:00.000-08:00

its raining.
i hate the rain.
i hate walking out just to chuck something in the red bin and having to run but then having to make sure i dont trip over the wires that are connecting the fairy lights on my house which my dad still hasnt bothered to take off since christmas last year.
i hate having done my washing today and putting it out on the line and while just sitting here trying to read my finance textbook i look over to my steps that lead into the backyard and see droplets on the deck.... then looking and realising that that whole half an hour i spent washing clothes will have to be redone again. then running, barefoot, into the backyard trying to save my precious washing and coming back with muddy feet. (feels like thailand all over again)
i was supposed to read the biography of Warren Buffet. im staring at the book now... im only a quarter through but i cant seem to take it anymore.. gawd help me

the only reason i liked today was cuz i didnt have to wash my car. score

haha it gets a bit worrying when you get excited that you dont have to wash your car. haha what's life come to aye?
anyway the mardi gras was very exciting yesterday apart from the sweating, squishy and highly exhausting turn out of people. i cannot believe they sell chairs now for 10 bux each so you can stand on them and watch the parade. business people i swear... know how to make an opportunity from everything. but people like us, who did NOT want to spend 10 bux on a chair.. how were we supposed to watch the show? luckily we pushed to the front.
i got hit on by a french lady. she wasnt very pretty.
next year i am sooooo volunteering for the parade!

2009-03-04T02:59:00.000-08:00

do you think it matters how much other people think of you?
i'm sure all these girls and guys maybe say all this shit about not caring but inside they're probably one of the ones who care the most about how they are percieved in the eyes of others.
i for one care a fucking shitload of what people think about me.
not so much random people or people who dont know me well.
but when it comes to friends, comments where my intelligence is insulted and my decisions are made to sound stupid sends me up the wall.
do YOU not think that 19 y/o, soon to be 20, me can make my own decisions and take responsibilty for them? do you not think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, everything that you've told me has already played out 10 million times in my own head? hence making me think about it 10 million times?
im a smart girl. and im fucking proud of it. i work hard to get where i am. sure i have lapses of judgment sometimes but i end up back right back on track. im always going to be that nerdy, smart, smoking, anti-drug, anti-bird, loud, "confident" girl who will in this man's world climb up that corporate ladder and use my beastly hands to smash down that glass ceiling.
so dont tell me im gonna venture off that track because at this very moment that is the only thing in my life that i know for sure. sure life is volatile. boys come and go. friends come and go. jobs come and go. but this is. not this.
when someone tells you that they care for you i try my hardest to believe it. but when their actions and words come out harsh or exaggerated when they're giving out advice then sometimes the "caring" bit shoots past me.
you care for me? show me

so maybe i think too much and get stressed too much. and maybe im just a little insecure about myself. but i love the way i am. you better love the fact that i dont burden you with all this bullshit that i write here.

im sorry but i must jet. i have still around 200 pages of law notes to read :)
yay for being a law student.
actually... that wasnt sarcasm. i love being a law student

minus the readings

love

2009-02-28T20:46:00.001-08:00

i never thought i would miss australia as much as i did on this trip.
i am so fucking glad to be home
uni starts tmr and im still in holiday mode

fuck you and you and you and you and you
alright
peace out kids
(HAHA PEACE OUT.... when do i say peace out?)

2009-01-16T01:23:00.001-08:00

ok so i realised unlike most people's blogs that are adorned with pictures. i'm a lazy ass and haha basically.. ummmmm no pictures on my blog?
yeah ok
but i dont carry a camera around religiously... ok well I DO FINE I WONT LIE. haha but i dont use it religiously.
so im gonna try find some current pics

so basically those were the last photos ive taken. all taken in 2008.
detoxing clubbing has been extremely rewarding. i feel so much more cleaner and richer. i think once you stop you dont really miss it that much.

when someone tells you that arent affectionate or that you're taking too much and not giving enough your brain kinda stops. and you dont really know what to say. are you supposed to defend yourself? or are you supposed to agree with them? or do you just disregard it, thinking hey this person must not know me well enough how dare he/she say this about me?

well ive considered all three. and all three seem pretty poor answers.

im not gonna admit that im a cold bitch

but i guess im sometimes too guarded to be affectionate and too guarded to give as much as im given.

so thats something else to work on aye? ill get there. you know how much i love a challenge:)

im leaving australia in 4 days. ohmygosh.

i dont wanna go now:(

2009-01-15T05:05:00.000-08:00

let me start with a soft caress
wanna show you im not like the rest
so put me to the test
anything that you feel let it go
wanna take it nice and slow
so baby lose control
i want this more than i want anything
anything

so lets stay up tonight
girl its on
let me sing you a song
so lets stay up tonight
girl its on
let me sing you this song
cuz its all about loving tonight
its on you see
so stay up with me tonight

so come lay here right next to me
let me show you want love can be
ill kiss your lips softly
while im looking right in your eyes
girl ill slowly go deep inside
your heart is what i mean
cuz i want this more than i want anything

anything

I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING

2009-01-12T03:51:00.000-08:00

car crashes freak me out
car crashes can happen to anyone... one split second of carelessness and there goes an arm, a leg, a life
fuck
i dont even know why i drive...because i KNOW I JUST KNOW that, because im clumsy like hell, im gonna get into an accident one day.. and BAM... the rest is history.. touch wood

ANYWAY

7 pounds is an AWESOME movie... AWESOME. i havent cried like that for a very very long time. and in front of friends who've never seen me cry before.. a little embarrassing i must say. but... wow.

and?

i have nothing to say again.
ill be back when i do.

PS. back into grey's anatomy again. ohmydearlord im scared to have children. ohmydearlord i dont wanna get old and wrinkly and talk too much and be so dependent on the people around me. being old is just like being a baby. you need people to take care of you. you dont have many senses left. you lose your ability to think properly and talk properly. all the things you were when you were a baby. scary as hell

2009-01-07T02:01:00.000-08:00

scorpions
scorpions paralyse their prey first by stinging them and then bringing them in
and theres that myth
that when scorpions are surrounded by fire.. ie. about to get burnt.. they sting themselves to death

so which one are you?
are you that seductress that can reel people in and somehow, in some way, poison their mind to do your bidding? do you possess that charm that can naturally attract people towards you, innocent, unsuspecting people, who become blinded and when they least expect it you stab them so hard in the back that you basically suck out their soul?

or are you the one that always gets into trouble. you're always there at the wrong time, meeting the wrong people, making the wrong choices and ending up in the worst possible situations. but instead of being able to escape from those situations like any other animal you just add oil and you heat things up more. you dig yourself into a bigger hole, one that becomes so deep that it becomes virtually impossible to climb, crawl, scamper your way out of. but thats not the point.. the point is that even if you had a chance to escape you would be scared so shitless you wouldnt be able to do it. you'll take that easy way out.. and in this case, stinging yourself to death...

i dont want to be the second one. selfish as it sounds if i had a choice i would pick to be the first one. we're not perfect.. and im not gonna be sitting around telling everyone.. hey look at me im the nicest, most selfless person ever. because, fuck that, im not. and neither are you.

this year
my horoscope predicts ill be less jealous, less intense, less likely to stalk my love interest and be able to let go easier when its over.
employments gonna be a rollercoaster
and im gonna be struggling for cash
bleak outlook or what?
the year has barely started and my horoscope is telling me that firstly... im gonna have a relationship which will end but HEY ITS ALL GOOD ill get over it easy
im probably gonna be stuck at the immigration law place
and all those holidays ive been planning to go on plus saving to go on exchange if i can get it will be a struggle

but who believes in those things anyway aye?

2009-01-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

lets welcome in the new year with 37 degrees weather.
my airconditioning is on full blast. all my curtains are closed. my radio is blasting and im wearing near absolute nothing but i still feel hot.
my brain's, obviously from being away from uni for the past few months, dying slowly. ive lost common sense a bit and ive lost direction and ive lost a tad of self dignity and ive definitely lost all self control

OR

am i wrong and my brain isnt dying but this is just a feelign i havent felt in a long time? some "feeling" ive lost touch with for the past half year? and now that im kinda feeling it crawl back under my skin im just a tad too excited?

whatever this is im surprised at myself. not disappointed. you're probably disappointed arent you? basking in my mistakes and saying shit like "this isnt the pecy i know" or "she's gonna make the wrong choice and she's gonna suffer later on"
yeah well... im kinda tired of "later on". i wanna live NOW. what happened living for the moment? well thats kinda died for me in the past few months, but just in the past few weeks ive rekindled my love for the NOW. sure its impulsive and unthought out and probably stupid sometimes. but boy does it feel good

so maybe im sitting here half naked and feeling hot because my body's feeling something i havnet felt in a while and its going haywire.
If only my body could give me answers to questions my life would be so much easier.
so if i feel hot does that mean its a yes. or is hot a no?

I'm leaving for overseas for a month in a few weeks. and im totally totally excited and hyped and blahblahblah all that shit. but im a little bit nervous because a month is a long time and when you get back people have moved on with their lives and you've got a lot to catch up on. GAWD imagine me going on exchange ... haha 6 months of catching up to do once i get back... that sounds like fun!

okokok
new year resolutions?
- stop spending money on useless things.. i think i mean to say stop clubbing so much
- lose 5 kilos before i turn 20
- keeping a D or even higher average at uni
- start reading the newspaper more often
- STOP BITING MY NAILS (ok so basically this goes on my list every year.. and every year there is always ONE tiny period time of which i achieve this goal.. but usually by 31 of December whatever year... this resolution's gone out the window. BUT THIS YEAR... ITS GONNA CHANGE MARK MY WORDS)
- save up for another tattoo
- keep in touch with the people i care about

thats a pretty comprehensive list.. i think anywya
and relationships.. im just gonna go with the flow.. stop thinking so much and stop comparing to before and stop making assumptions and stop thinking what everyone else thinks. cuz ultimately its about me right?
i was reading this thing gala darling wrote on her blog.. and she's right. if you would rather be by yourself than with the other person. then you know its not gonna work out. if you just want to be with them becasue they're "nice" then you know its not gonna work out. she said that life is already mundane enough... why let something that should be completely special be mundane as well?
have you ever thought about that?
well i have

x