you come to a stage in your life when you make tough decisions.
i made my decision a while ago and i take full responsibility of the consequences.
when i made this decision i weighed up the pros and cons of both sides and i decided on the side which i thought would make me happy.
i still stand by my decision and i'm happy.

but what scares me is whether ive sunk too far in that i'm going to become blinded by everything again. my brain becoming cloudy. my emotions overriding my logic.
i want, no, i NEED you to understand me and my position. how deep ive let down my guard to embrace your presence in my life. but how long you're going to be there before one of us ends up getting hurt (again) i cant put my finger on.

everything i do i wanna learn from. so what am i going to get out of this?
what doesnt kill me makes me stronger. so hopefully at the end ill be a stronger person and you'll have shown me emotions that i didnt think i could possibly feel so young.
happiness, anger, anticipation, sadness, carefree, shame, infatuation, embarrassed.

i'm trying to feel your pain and your happiness. i'm trying to shoulder your stress and trying to be there as much as i can. but deep down inside of me i wonder whether you're giving me enough or whether im giving you enough.

so when you're completely exposed and you're scrambling to cover your scars and someone gently places a blanket on you. soothing you. comforting you. do you think thats enough? is that what love is supposed to be?

well i guess thats what its SUPPOSED TO BE. but realistically throughout 2009 ive realised thats not what love is.

i could find anyone and offer them comforting words. hug them. kiss them. tell them how much they mean to me. how i'll be there for them. i can listen to their heartbreaking story and cry for them. i could smile at them and tell them its going to be different from now and tell them that im going to help them change and move on.

then i can walk away and not mean a single thing. the hugs, the kisses could be for anyone. i might have faked that smile. made those fake promises.

i want heartfelt promises. i want promises that arent just said to anyone anywhere without any thought or emotion. i want to be the ONLY ONE feeling those emotions. i want to be the ONLY ONE to see you at your most vulnerable. i want to be the ONLY ONE who you tell your story to.

so if you can give me that. then sure... go ahead and talk about the future.
if you can't then just live for the now. full stop.