this is the right thing to do. because this will make me happy.
fullstop. nothing more said.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
im asking myself how many times i wanna be disappointed and be hurt before i can walk away.
and im not finding an answer.
im searching so hard to try do whats best for me and i dnot know what that thing is.
you say these words and i get sucked in. four months ago. this exact thing happened. and you keep telling me that this time itll be different. but i have my doubts.
i wanna believe you. im trying so hard to believe that what you say you feel for me is true.
i feel dirty and stupid and used and embarrassed and ashamed.
now i am hurt and i am angry and i am sad and i am frustrated.
this wasnt supposed to happen to me. ive never ever done anything to anyone to deserve to be treated this way.
i dont want these sorts of dramas in my life. i dont like drama. i just want to be with someone who loves me and who can give me what i want. who can make me happy and who i can make happy in return. i dont want lies. i want trust. i want companionship. i want support. i want someone who cares about me.
who loves me for me. not for my rack. not for my makeup. but for my brains. for my personality.
i cared so much for you. i wanted you to become a better person. i wanted to help you become that better person. but this is what i get in return?
i dont understand. call me naive, call me innocent. but bad things arent supposed to happen to good people. then why do bad things always happen to me? why am i the one who always always gets fucked over?
it finally hit me.
ive been crying for half an hour now. keep counting.
and im not finding an answer.
im searching so hard to try do whats best for me and i dnot know what that thing is.
you say these words and i get sucked in. four months ago. this exact thing happened. and you keep telling me that this time itll be different. but i have my doubts.
i wanna believe you. im trying so hard to believe that what you say you feel for me is true.
i feel dirty and stupid and used and embarrassed and ashamed.
now i am hurt and i am angry and i am sad and i am frustrated.
this wasnt supposed to happen to me. ive never ever done anything to anyone to deserve to be treated this way.
i dont want these sorts of dramas in my life. i dont like drama. i just want to be with someone who loves me and who can give me what i want. who can make me happy and who i can make happy in return. i dont want lies. i want trust. i want companionship. i want support. i want someone who cares about me.
who loves me for me. not for my rack. not for my makeup. but for my brains. for my personality.
i cared so much for you. i wanted you to become a better person. i wanted to help you become that better person. but this is what i get in return?
i dont understand. call me naive, call me innocent. but bad things arent supposed to happen to good people. then why do bad things always happen to me? why am i the one who always always gets fucked over?
it finally hit me.
ive been crying for half an hour now. keep counting.
Friday, October 23, 2009
when you put your trust into someone, what do you think you'll get out of it?
well, let me tell you. you get nothing.
you get fleeting happiness. you get promises that never come true. you get tears and anger and frustration and disappointment.
right now. im not angry. im not crying. im not frustrated and im not disappointed.
im just empty and hollow and helpless.
i dont know what to do anymore.
look at me and you'll see what youve thrown away and maybe you'll feel as hollow as me.
putting down the barriers never worked for me. well i put them down this time. and ... once again... it still didnt work for me.
so im done with putting down the barriers. im done with trusting people. im done with trying so hard to look for the good in people.
this hopefully means im done getting hurt. im done wasting emotions on people. im done relying on anyone else but myself.
the most important person in my world is me. and if i cant love myself enough to walk away and if i cant tell myself that i dont deserve to be treated that way and if i cant be strong enough to fight for my own feelings then everything ive ever believed in and preached about relationships will fly out the window. and im not about to let that happen.
so. go back to your world. the girls you know. the girls you want.
and then think about me. then tell me how you feel.
well, let me tell you. you get nothing.
you get fleeting happiness. you get promises that never come true. you get tears and anger and frustration and disappointment.
right now. im not angry. im not crying. im not frustrated and im not disappointed.
im just empty and hollow and helpless.
i dont know what to do anymore.
look at me and you'll see what youve thrown away and maybe you'll feel as hollow as me.
putting down the barriers never worked for me. well i put them down this time. and ... once again... it still didnt work for me.
so im done with putting down the barriers. im done with trusting people. im done with trying so hard to look for the good in people.
this hopefully means im done getting hurt. im done wasting emotions on people. im done relying on anyone else but myself.
the most important person in my world is me. and if i cant love myself enough to walk away and if i cant tell myself that i dont deserve to be treated that way and if i cant be strong enough to fight for my own feelings then everything ive ever believed in and preached about relationships will fly out the window. and im not about to let that happen.
so. go back to your world. the girls you know. the girls you want.
and then think about me. then tell me how you feel.
Monday, October 19, 2009
sometimes its so hard to do the right thing.
what should you listen to? your emotions or your logic?
riddle me that.
what should you listen to? your emotions or your logic?
riddle me that.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
i dont know when you're gonna see it.
but when you do, where do you think im going to be?
when you look at me what do you see?
do you see what you would see when you look at any other girl off the street?
i'm not gonna try to be someone im not.
i dont talk all hard nor do i pretend to. i dont pretend to know the musicians you like. i dont dress in your style nor do i pretend to know anything about the brands you know.
so whats gonna keep you to stay?
i really dislike not being able to control what goes on in my life. you're the one thinig that i cant control.
i can control uni. i can control my parents. i can control nearly everything.
BUT YOU. you're like a runaway puppy. that im running in circles to try and catch.
but when you do, where do you think im going to be?
when you look at me what do you see?
do you see what you would see when you look at any other girl off the street?
i'm not gonna try to be someone im not.
i dont talk all hard nor do i pretend to. i dont pretend to know the musicians you like. i dont dress in your style nor do i pretend to know anything about the brands you know.
so whats gonna keep you to stay?
i really dislike not being able to control what goes on in my life. you're the one thinig that i cant control.
i can control uni. i can control my parents. i can control nearly everything.
BUT YOU. you're like a runaway puppy. that im running in circles to try and catch.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
hhaha ok
all that talk about shanghai? yeah well put that on hold. my dad always gets his facts mixed up
the blake dawson dude wants to give me placement in AUSTRALIA if he thinks im good enough.
haha
i guess that means ill be in Australia this summer. :) well i guess that wont be too bad. i definitely will still wanna go somewhere even for a week. get away from SYDNEY. central coast would be nice. or back up to the gold coast. or like HAMILTON ISLAND? OR FRASIER ISLAND? YES?
i always thought i wasnt one of those girls who needed a boyfriend. or a guy constantly. i loved feeling independent of guys and guys having a hold on me. not saying that when i truly like someone i dont hold on for a long time. i didnt care that i didnt have anyone to complain about things to. or i didnt have long conversations on the phone with a guy. i loved the fact that i was never tied down. i could do my own thing without anyone telling me otherwise (except my parents i guess... not that i really listen to them much anyway). a man didnt dictate my life.
a bit of a feminism? maybe.. in some ways.
im not quite sure where i stand on that now. maybe because ive been seeing someone for the longest period of time that ive ever had a relationship i'm beginning to like having someone there. also it doesnt hurt that i actually, sincerely, like this guy, (vices and virtues and all).
so now i do want a boyfriend. i want someone that gives me attention. i want someone who cares about me enough to tell me what to do. i want someone whose gonna hold my hand when im upset. i want someone who will understand me, my stress with uni, my problems with my parents etc. i want someone who can put up with my idiosyncrasies and put up with it with a smile on his face. i want someone that i know is exclusively mine. someone i dont have to share. someone i don't have to worry about whether this girl likes him or that girl wants him or blah.
i just want someone i can call my own.
if you've known me for long enough or have read my blog for long enough, you'll know that this is not what i was feeling a year ago. haha. how things change so much in a year huh?
do you think you can give me what i want? or am i holding onto false hope for something that isnt and will never be there?
all that talk about shanghai? yeah well put that on hold. my dad always gets his facts mixed up
the blake dawson dude wants to give me placement in AUSTRALIA if he thinks im good enough.
haha
i guess that means ill be in Australia this summer. :) well i guess that wont be too bad. i definitely will still wanna go somewhere even for a week. get away from SYDNEY. central coast would be nice. or back up to the gold coast. or like HAMILTON ISLAND? OR FRASIER ISLAND? YES?
i always thought i wasnt one of those girls who needed a boyfriend. or a guy constantly. i loved feeling independent of guys and guys having a hold on me. not saying that when i truly like someone i dont hold on for a long time. i didnt care that i didnt have anyone to complain about things to. or i didnt have long conversations on the phone with a guy. i loved the fact that i was never tied down. i could do my own thing without anyone telling me otherwise (except my parents i guess... not that i really listen to them much anyway). a man didnt dictate my life.
a bit of a feminism? maybe.. in some ways.
im not quite sure where i stand on that now. maybe because ive been seeing someone for the longest period of time that ive ever had a relationship i'm beginning to like having someone there. also it doesnt hurt that i actually, sincerely, like this guy, (vices and virtues and all).
so now i do want a boyfriend. i want someone that gives me attention. i want someone who cares about me enough to tell me what to do. i want someone whose gonna hold my hand when im upset. i want someone who will understand me, my stress with uni, my problems with my parents etc. i want someone who can put up with my idiosyncrasies and put up with it with a smile on his face. i want someone that i know is exclusively mine. someone i dont have to share. someone i don't have to worry about whether this girl likes him or that girl wants him or blah.
i just want someone i can call my own.
if you've known me for long enough or have read my blog for long enough, you'll know that this is not what i was feeling a year ago. haha. how things change so much in a year huh?
do you think you can give me what i want? or am i holding onto false hope for something that isnt and will never be there?
Friday, October 9, 2009
this week has been too crazy for me.
im so glad its friday. i hope that i can maybe forget about this week. erase it from my memory. get one of those men in black pen things and press a button and poof. blank.
ive decided. today. while at the library by myself. that im gonna quit smoking. im going to stop drinking excessively. and im only going to party when necessary ie. someone's birthday.
so i cant quit smoking straight away cuz i still have a pack left of ciggies. but after this pack im gonna not buy anymore. looking on the bright side this will help my financials. i wont smell like cigarette all the time. i wont have to be so paranoid my parents will find out. on the down side. IF I GET FAT THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY. maybe ill turn to gum... at least they're like 10 times cheaper and ill have minty fresh breath all the time haha
drinking. im not gonna totally quit drinking. thats just stupid. im just not going to drink to get drunk. im going to drink only until i feel good and happy. i never want to reach the stage of when my heads in the toilet bowl or im running towards a rubbish bin ever again.
partying. not once a week. not once every two weeks. maybe not even once a month. special occasions sounds to me like a good compromise. i dont get the kick out of it anymore. its the same places, the same music, the same people. i should go back when i start to miss that same place, that same music and those same people.
i literally have no money anymore. i went to go buy something with my debit card today and it got declined. do you know why? because... i just bought BDO tickets that cost me 200 bux and paid off my last month's credit card. how embarrassing. luckily i used my freshly paid credit card.
i'm still pumped for BDO though. i meannnn the lineup is AMAZING. AMAZING. AMAZING. AMAZING. hopefully im still going to be here for it. although the shanghai rep for blakedawson just emailed my dad today to ask him to tell me to send over my CV, uni marks and HSC marks so he can see whether 'there are any opportunities for me'. so thats pretty exciting although that means i have to write a cover letter and update my CV early next week. and with so many assessments around the corner im just so swamped with everything.
but hopefully that means i MIGHT be able to go back to china beginning of this year and work! how exciting. im excited. living by myself in shanghai for a whole month would be amazingly fun. and obviously since mickey and stuff are all gonna be there itll be even more EPIC. but lets not get our hopes up.
although once again.. ill not be spending summer in Australia. i seriously dont remember the last time i spent a full summer in australia. probably the summer of 2007. i miss aussie summers actually not really if the weather's gonna keep acting up like it has so far. ridiculous weather.
so i should really get back to my assignment. i had something else to write... UMMMMMM... oh yeah. just wanted to write something about always wanting to work in a major big city. not saying sydney isnt major.. but well.. it isnt compared to asia haha. so hopefully if all goes well ill be cruising around shanghai all dressed up (although it will be cold.....) and then going to high class bars sipping on cocktails with all the other suits, spending weekends in cafes then going shopping then having massive dinners at yummy restaurants. THATS THE LIFE :) chuck in some extra cash and an excellent apartment on the 32nd floor and ill be sweet.
one day.
if you need me. call me. no matter where you are. no matter how far. ill be there in hurry. you dont have to worry.
remember the day, i set you free? i told you you could always count on me baby. from that day on i took a vow, i'll be there when you want me, some way, some how.
im so glad its friday. i hope that i can maybe forget about this week. erase it from my memory. get one of those men in black pen things and press a button and poof. blank.
ive decided. today. while at the library by myself. that im gonna quit smoking. im going to stop drinking excessively. and im only going to party when necessary ie. someone's birthday.
so i cant quit smoking straight away cuz i still have a pack left of ciggies. but after this pack im gonna not buy anymore. looking on the bright side this will help my financials. i wont smell like cigarette all the time. i wont have to be so paranoid my parents will find out. on the down side. IF I GET FAT THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY. maybe ill turn to gum... at least they're like 10 times cheaper and ill have minty fresh breath all the time haha
drinking. im not gonna totally quit drinking. thats just stupid. im just not going to drink to get drunk. im going to drink only until i feel good and happy. i never want to reach the stage of when my heads in the toilet bowl or im running towards a rubbish bin ever again.
partying. not once a week. not once every two weeks. maybe not even once a month. special occasions sounds to me like a good compromise. i dont get the kick out of it anymore. its the same places, the same music, the same people. i should go back when i start to miss that same place, that same music and those same people.
i literally have no money anymore. i went to go buy something with my debit card today and it got declined. do you know why? because... i just bought BDO tickets that cost me 200 bux and paid off my last month's credit card. how embarrassing. luckily i used my freshly paid credit card.
i'm still pumped for BDO though. i meannnn the lineup is AMAZING. AMAZING. AMAZING. AMAZING. hopefully im still going to be here for it. although the shanghai rep for blakedawson just emailed my dad today to ask him to tell me to send over my CV, uni marks and HSC marks so he can see whether 'there are any opportunities for me'. so thats pretty exciting although that means i have to write a cover letter and update my CV early next week. and with so many assessments around the corner im just so swamped with everything.
but hopefully that means i MIGHT be able to go back to china beginning of this year and work! how exciting. im excited. living by myself in shanghai for a whole month would be amazingly fun. and obviously since mickey and stuff are all gonna be there itll be even more EPIC. but lets not get our hopes up.
although once again.. ill not be spending summer in Australia. i seriously dont remember the last time i spent a full summer in australia. probably the summer of 2007. i miss aussie summers actually not really if the weather's gonna keep acting up like it has so far. ridiculous weather.
so i should really get back to my assignment. i had something else to write... UMMMMMM... oh yeah. just wanted to write something about always wanting to work in a major big city. not saying sydney isnt major.. but well.. it isnt compared to asia haha. so hopefully if all goes well ill be cruising around shanghai all dressed up (although it will be cold.....) and then going to high class bars sipping on cocktails with all the other suits, spending weekends in cafes then going shopping then having massive dinners at yummy restaurants. THATS THE LIFE :) chuck in some extra cash and an excellent apartment on the 32nd floor and ill be sweet.
one day.
if you need me. call me. no matter where you are. no matter how far. ill be there in hurry. you dont have to worry.
remember the day, i set you free? i told you you could always count on me baby. from that day on i took a vow, i'll be there when you want me, some way, some how.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
You know I got this feeling that I just can't hide
I tried to tell you how I feel
I tried to tell you but I'm weak
Words don't come easily
When you get close I shiver
I watch you when you smile
I watch you when you cry
And I still don't understand
I can't find a way to tell you
I wish I was your lover
I wish that you were mine
Baby I've got this feeling
That I just can't hide
Don't try to run away
There's many things I wanna say
No matter how it ends
Just hold me when I tell you
I wish I was your lover
I wish that you were mine
Baby I got this feeling
That I just can't hide
[2x]
All I need is a miracle
Oh baby all I need is you
All I need is to love you girl
Oh baby all I need is you
Baby you
I wish I was your lover
I wish that you were mine
Baby I got this feeling
That I just can't hide
Just wanna be your lover
Just wanna be the one
Let me be your lover
Let me be the one
Yeah
I tried to tell you how I feel
I tried to tell you but I'm weak
Words don't come easily
When you get close I shiver
I watch you when you smile
I watch you when you cry
And I still don't understand
I can't find a way to tell you
I wish I was your lover
I wish that you were mine
Baby I've got this feeling
That I just can't hide
Don't try to run away
There's many things I wanna say
No matter how it ends
Just hold me when I tell you
I wish I was your lover
I wish that you were mine
Baby I got this feeling
That I just can't hide
[2x]
All I need is a miracle
Oh baby all I need is you
All I need is to love you girl
Oh baby all I need is you
Baby you
I wish I was your lover
I wish that you were mine
Baby I got this feeling
That I just can't hide
Just wanna be your lover
Just wanna be the one
Let me be your lover
Let me be the one
Yeah
Monday, October 5, 2009
i lost everything today. the usb that was holding my whole finance assignment and all my law readings this semester is gone.
my life is officially over.
hopefully i can take it to a computer store and they can fix it.
im sorry for you. im sorry for me.
my life is officially over.
hopefully i can take it to a computer store and they can fix it.
im sorry for you. im sorry for me.
Friday, October 2, 2009
you're losing me.
and all i can say is that thats gonna be your loss.
because i may be one of the best things that could have happened to you.
do you know why?
because im NOT anything like the girls that george describes. im the complete opposite.
because i am that nice, sweet, smart, caring, hard-working girl who doesnt sleep around who doesn't slut around who doesnt go clubbing to hook up with boys. who has self-respect. who will one day be someone in this world.
but if you cant see that...well then someone else will.
i want to be, no rephrase that, i need to be one of the top priorities in your life and if im not. then ild rather be by myself alone.
im not calling again. im not coming into the shop again.
speak to you later? yeahhhhhh righttttttttttttttttttt
oh ps. going with the flow is shithouse. im not the go with the flow type of girl. i need direction in my life. so im gonna direct it myself thanks. :)
and all i can say is that thats gonna be your loss.
because i may be one of the best things that could have happened to you.
do you know why?
because im NOT anything like the girls that george describes. im the complete opposite.
because i am that nice, sweet, smart, caring, hard-working girl who doesnt sleep around who doesn't slut around who doesnt go clubbing to hook up with boys. who has self-respect. who will one day be someone in this world.
but if you cant see that...well then someone else will.
i want to be, no rephrase that, i need to be one of the top priorities in your life and if im not. then ild rather be by myself alone.
im not calling again. im not coming into the shop again.
speak to you later? yeahhhhhh righttttttttttttttttttt
oh ps. going with the flow is shithouse. im not the go with the flow type of girl. i need direction in my life. so im gonna direct it myself thanks. :)
i am over everything
im over finance
im over uni
im over parklife
im over people
this weather is making me miserable.
PEOPLE IN GENERAL ARE MAKING ME MISERABLE.
jaji[0tut 43bmVO(L>Z90b7vREFVEWTY 364VCREWXGTHYUI89O8KIUJ7YHTGREFCDSX
={)6O8.UT,KJYRMTH GFDCSAX(pO/8.UI,KJYRMETHRNG FDS
me going crazy on my keyboard.
i wish i could sleep for days and wake up all happy again.
oh right.. haha thats called being in a coma douche.
im over finance
im over uni
im over parklife
im over people
this weather is making me miserable.
PEOPLE IN GENERAL ARE MAKING ME MISERABLE.
jaji[0tut 43bmVO(L>Z90b7vREFVEWTY 364VCREWXGTHYUI89O8KIUJ7YHTGREFCDSX
={)6O8.UT,KJYRMTH GFDCSAX(pO/8.UI,KJYRMETHRNG FDS
me going crazy on my keyboard.
i wish i could sleep for days and wake up all happy again.
oh right.. haha thats called being in a coma douche.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
ive never understood sneakers/kicks/any of that adidas/jeremy scott stuff or airforce ones or air maxes or jordans or blahblahblah. i mean on a guy sure. but on a girl?
doesnt really tickle my fancy. maybe its just me. haha maybe i just cant pull it off like those b-girls or whatever. give me a pair of heels anyday before a pair of sneakers. and yes the heels might be a little bit uncomfortable to walk in comparing BUT at least my legs will look slim and long haah.
back when i was in year 4 or 5 i used to walk around the house jumping up and down trying to pull off karate moves. i used to hate wearing dresses. loved to go in shorts and just a tee. i remember my mum used to blame it on xena warrior princess or hercules or something hahahaha. then came year 6 and 5 and i was still kinda like that. cargo pants. baggy jeans. black tshirts. then she said was trying to copy flolo cuz flo was sucha tomboy! oh yeah.. converses and what not always on my feet. i dont think i owned a pair of girlie flats for a lllloooonnngggggg time till highschool.
hahaha
high school was a mix. still wore converses now and then. high-tops included. dude those shoes totally make your legs look stumpy and fat now that i think about it.
but now.... give me a dress with frills on it anyday before i chuck on a pair of converses. feminine and pretty all the way. now my mum loves the way i dress (well most of the time if she isnt complaining that something is too low cut or too short)
how ironic that the guy im seeing sells sneakers and is obsessed with them? haha wish they would bring in some hot-ass heels into nitrogen or maybe some pretty/skimpy dresses :(:(
OR MAYBE ONE DAY for the fun of it ill buy a pair of sneakers hahaha and try to dress all gangster-yo.
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
its raining on sunday :(:( poo poo poo.
i didnt turn off the internet but i did quite a bit today. already over the word limit and still havnet actually touched one part of the question. SCORE
but today was so beautiful i was so bummed at having to stay at home while everyone was out basking in the yummy weather.
off to wash my frilly white top so i can wear it tomorrow to work. with some oxford heels and a leather high-wasited skirt probably. and a chained bag and some big sunnies.
i love being a girl :)
doesnt really tickle my fancy. maybe its just me. haha maybe i just cant pull it off like those b-girls or whatever. give me a pair of heels anyday before a pair of sneakers. and yes the heels might be a little bit uncomfortable to walk in comparing BUT at least my legs will look slim and long haah.
back when i was in year 4 or 5 i used to walk around the house jumping up and down trying to pull off karate moves. i used to hate wearing dresses. loved to go in shorts and just a tee. i remember my mum used to blame it on xena warrior princess or hercules or something hahahaha. then came year 6 and 5 and i was still kinda like that. cargo pants. baggy jeans. black tshirts. then she said was trying to copy flolo cuz flo was sucha tomboy! oh yeah.. converses and what not always on my feet. i dont think i owned a pair of girlie flats for a lllloooonnngggggg time till highschool.
hahaha
high school was a mix. still wore converses now and then. high-tops included. dude those shoes totally make your legs look stumpy and fat now that i think about it.
but now.... give me a dress with frills on it anyday before i chuck on a pair of converses. feminine and pretty all the way. now my mum loves the way i dress (well most of the time if she isnt complaining that something is too low cut or too short)
how ironic that the guy im seeing sells sneakers and is obsessed with them? haha wish they would bring in some hot-ass heels into nitrogen or maybe some pretty/skimpy dresses :(:(
OR MAYBE ONE DAY for the fun of it ill buy a pair of sneakers hahaha and try to dress all gangster-yo.
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
its raining on sunday :(:( poo poo poo.
i didnt turn off the internet but i did quite a bit today. already over the word limit and still havnet actually touched one part of the question. SCORE
but today was so beautiful i was so bummed at having to stay at home while everyone was out basking in the yummy weather.
off to wash my frilly white top so i can wear it tomorrow to work. with some oxford heels and a leather high-wasited skirt probably. and a chained bag and some big sunnies.
i love being a girl :)