i thought maybe i could keep you under wraps. but i think i was too optimistic.
now i dont know what to do.
i never even knew the word jealousy existed until i met you.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
so im back in australia.
this past week has been extremely draining both physicaly, mentally and emotionally for me.
i dont think i spent a day in china without crying. and truth be told, i never knew crying so much took such a big toll on your body.
so im back and im ready to not focus on the past but on the future. im not gonna dwell on whats happened because i know my grandmother wouldnt want me to. she'ld want me to study hard and live life to the fullest.
one of the most important things i learnt this last week is that one should never have to say the words 'i regret..'
listening to my aunts and uncles and including dad talking about how they regretted doing this and that, regretted not taking my grandma seriously when she first said she had heart pains etc etc was extremely disheartening. so i guess what im trying to tell myself is that i need to become a person who will live her life by making choices which wont lead me down the road of regret.
another important thing i learnt was the importance of family. my aunts stayed with my grandma every single day since she got admited into hospital until her death. as much as we want to believe friends would do the same for you, in all honesty, i doubt it. they barely ate, they barely slept, they had to help my grandma poo because she was losing control of her internal organs. with this lesson comes my conclusion: i am having at least 4 kids.
we also talked alot about marriage and boyfriends this week. all of my cousins are older than me and while one's already married the others are at that stage of looking for that life partner. and this week has reaffirmed my idea that most guys are dickheads. but, if you can find someone whose personality is compatible with yours, whose clear about their life ambitions and is working hard towards achieving their goal, who loves you unconditionally and doesnt treat you like some inferior creature, who RESPECTS you as a woman and who is polite and courteous to your parents. then you've got 'THE ONE'. ok maybe you dont. but i will.
and im not gonna settle for second rate. because no one deserves to settle for second rate. im not gonna reach the age of 30, be unmarried and just marry some random guy just because im getting old. life isnt about that, it really shouldnt be about compromise. and marriage definitely shoudnt be about just 'settling'.
lots of work to catch up on.
this past week has been extremely draining both physicaly, mentally and emotionally for me.
i dont think i spent a day in china without crying. and truth be told, i never knew crying so much took such a big toll on your body.
so im back and im ready to not focus on the past but on the future. im not gonna dwell on whats happened because i know my grandmother wouldnt want me to. she'ld want me to study hard and live life to the fullest.
one of the most important things i learnt this last week is that one should never have to say the words 'i regret..'
listening to my aunts and uncles and including dad talking about how they regretted doing this and that, regretted not taking my grandma seriously when she first said she had heart pains etc etc was extremely disheartening. so i guess what im trying to tell myself is that i need to become a person who will live her life by making choices which wont lead me down the road of regret.
another important thing i learnt was the importance of family. my aunts stayed with my grandma every single day since she got admited into hospital until her death. as much as we want to believe friends would do the same for you, in all honesty, i doubt it. they barely ate, they barely slept, they had to help my grandma poo because she was losing control of her internal organs. with this lesson comes my conclusion: i am having at least 4 kids.
we also talked alot about marriage and boyfriends this week. all of my cousins are older than me and while one's already married the others are at that stage of looking for that life partner. and this week has reaffirmed my idea that most guys are dickheads. but, if you can find someone whose personality is compatible with yours, whose clear about their life ambitions and is working hard towards achieving their goal, who loves you unconditionally and doesnt treat you like some inferior creature, who RESPECTS you as a woman and who is polite and courteous to your parents. then you've got 'THE ONE'. ok maybe you dont. but i will.
and im not gonna settle for second rate. because no one deserves to settle for second rate. im not gonna reach the age of 30, be unmarried and just marry some random guy just because im getting old. life isnt about that, it really shouldnt be about compromise. and marriage definitely shoudnt be about just 'settling'.
lots of work to catch up on.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
when do we say the things we feel?
how do you say i love. or i miss you. or thank you for everything you've done.
im asking a rhetorical question here because i know for many many people out there those words come out easy. whether its to friends, family, significant others.
but for person like me i dont really say those words often. its not because i dont feel that way. hell ive got the emotions of a menopausal 50 year old. its just i kinda get the courage to say it and then the words get stuck in my throat and my brain kinda forces them back down into the pits of jelly abyss aka my stomach. and now its become such a habit that i cant shake it off.
so basically ive dug myself into this deep hole of not being able to show any signs of affection that i cant crawl my way up anymore. and i dont wanna be in that hole anymore.
so tell me. when is it ok to say the things we feel?
anyway. im packed and ready for my 915 flight. my trip is going to be ridiculous. 11 hour flight to shanghai. arriving at 6pm china time. 11pm train from shanghai to xuzhuo which arrives there at 3am. so basically ill be traveling from 6:15am when the cab gets here till 3am the following morning. :) FUN
im only going for a week and shall be back the following saturday. so yeah
this trip's gonna be fun. im fucking pumped to the max.
life sucks. the moment we're born we start dying.
seriously
fuck
that
how do you say i love. or i miss you. or thank you for everything you've done.
im asking a rhetorical question here because i know for many many people out there those words come out easy. whether its to friends, family, significant others.
but for person like me i dont really say those words often. its not because i dont feel that way. hell ive got the emotions of a menopausal 50 year old. its just i kinda get the courage to say it and then the words get stuck in my throat and my brain kinda forces them back down into the pits of jelly abyss aka my stomach. and now its become such a habit that i cant shake it off.
so basically ive dug myself into this deep hole of not being able to show any signs of affection that i cant crawl my way up anymore. and i dont wanna be in that hole anymore.
so tell me. when is it ok to say the things we feel?
anyway. im packed and ready for my 915 flight. my trip is going to be ridiculous. 11 hour flight to shanghai. arriving at 6pm china time. 11pm train from shanghai to xuzhuo which arrives there at 3am. so basically ill be traveling from 6:15am when the cab gets here till 3am the following morning. :) FUN
im only going for a week and shall be back the following saturday. so yeah
this trip's gonna be fun. im fucking pumped to the max.
life sucks. the moment we're born we start dying.
seriously
fuck
that
Monday, August 3, 2009
my heart's breaking in two.
you were such a vital part of my life and now you're going and i cant even say goodbye.
all those times when i was a baby and you changed my diapers, put up with my screaming, my stealing eggs and lollies. i might never get to thank you for it.
all those times when i went back and could have just stayed with you a home and watched tv togeher, play cards together... but i just end up going out shopping, getting my hair done etc. etc.
you're 10,000 kilometres away but i can see you lying there and its breaking my heart.
i can barely see through my eyes.
when you get to that stage when you're just sitting here and you can feel tears rolling down your eyes... you know nothing anyone can say will make it any better.
i need.... a hug. i need someone just to squeeze me so tight that they squeeze all the water out of me so i dont have to cry anymore.
you were such a vital part of my life and now you're going and i cant even say goodbye.
all those times when i was a baby and you changed my diapers, put up with my screaming, my stealing eggs and lollies. i might never get to thank you for it.
all those times when i went back and could have just stayed with you a home and watched tv togeher, play cards together... but i just end up going out shopping, getting my hair done etc. etc.
you're 10,000 kilometres away but i can see you lying there and its breaking my heart.
i can barely see through my eyes.
when you get to that stage when you're just sitting here and you can feel tears rolling down your eyes... you know nothing anyone can say will make it any better.
i need.... a hug. i need someone just to squeeze me so tight that they squeeze all the water out of me so i dont have to cry anymore.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
so not wearing those shorts to parklife anymore. haha found something else to wear which will be less constricting and cooler (as in temperature wise.. ahah no i dont think im ultra cool dont worry) anyway life in pictures for the last month!
so pics from gold coast. law informal. clubbing. and gareth's house party.
so pics from gold coast. law informal. clubbing. and gareth's house party.
anyway so that was the fun that was had.
the unfun was the working everyday nearly part.
haha anywayyyy.
i miscalculated. law ball is before parklife. and snowball is before law ball. so there might be some fun to come yet
STAYED TUNED
ok
so
i made awesome shorts today. i got my mum's old shorts and chopped them up.
they're megashort and mega frayed and im gonna wear them highwaisted. and they're hot as. and im gonna rock them at parklife. :):):):):):)
and ive had my eyes on this hot monokini on ebay which ill definitely buy before parklife too.
everyone's leaving to go overseas while im stuck in australia.
i think the only thing im looking forward to is parklife atm.
i thought i was gonna write an epic long post cuz i had something to write about.
now its just gone right out the window oops.
I'm not your boyfriend, baby,
I ain't your cute little sex toy,
I'm not your lion or your tiger,
Nah, nah, won't be your nasty little boy,
Whoo, I'm not your boyfriend, baby,
Yeah, I can't grant your every wish,
Yeah, I'm not your knight in shining armor,
So, I just leave you with this kiss
Kill the lights,
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,
It feels right,
All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the white pill, you'll feel alright,
Kill the lights,
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,
It feels right,
All these asphyxiated, self-medicated--
awesome awesome song.
anyway lights out.
xx
so
i made awesome shorts today. i got my mum's old shorts and chopped them up.
they're megashort and mega frayed and im gonna wear them highwaisted. and they're hot as. and im gonna rock them at parklife. :):):):):):)
and ive had my eyes on this hot monokini on ebay which ill definitely buy before parklife too.
everyone's leaving to go overseas while im stuck in australia.
i think the only thing im looking forward to is parklife atm.
i thought i was gonna write an epic long post cuz i had something to write about.
now its just gone right out the window oops.
I'm not your boyfriend, baby,
I ain't your cute little sex toy,
I'm not your lion or your tiger,
Nah, nah, won't be your nasty little boy,
Whoo, I'm not your boyfriend, baby,
Yeah, I can't grant your every wish,
Yeah, I'm not your knight in shining armor,
So, I just leave you with this kiss
Kill the lights,
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,
It feels right,
All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the white pill, you'll feel alright,
Kill the lights,
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks,
It feels right,
All these asphyxiated, self-medicated--
awesome awesome song.
anyway lights out.
xx