Heartbreaks and promises, I’ve had more than my share
I’m tired of giving my love and getting nowhere, nowhere
What I need is somebody who really cares
I really need a lover, a lover who wants to be there
It’s been so long since I touched a wanting hand
I can’t put my love on the line, that I hope you’ll understand

So baby if you want me
You’ve got to show me love
Words are so easy to say, oh ah yeah
You’ve got to show me love

I’m tired of getting caught up in those one night affairs
What I really need is somebody who will always be there
Don’t you promise me the world, all that I’ve already heard
This time around for me baby, actions speak louder than words

So if you’re looking for devotion, talk to me
Come with your heart in your hands
Because me love is guaranteed

So baby if you want me
You’ve got to show me love
Words are so easy to say, oh ah yeah
You’ve got to show me love

Show me, show me baby
Show me, show me baby
Show me, show me baby
Show me, show me baby

Heartbreaks and promises, I’ve had more than my share
I’m tired of giving my love and getting nowhere, nowhere
What I really need is somebody who will always be there
This time around for me baby, actions speak louder than words

If you’re looking for devotion, talk to me
Come with your heart in your hands
Because me love is guaranteed

So baby if you want me
You’ve got to show me love
Words are so easy to say, oh ah yeah
You’ve got to show me love

There’s nothing that you can tell me
You’ve got to show me love
There’s only one key to my heart
You’ve got to show me love

Show me, show me baby
You’ve got to give it to me, give it to me, give it to me yeah
I don’t want no fakes, don’t want no phoney
I need you love
Show me, show me, show me baby
Give it to me, give it to me
I am not a toy, I’m not a play thang
You’ve got to understand

If you’re looking for devotion, talk to me
Come with your heart in your hands
Because me love is guaranteed...
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

the weather is ridiculous
ive been living off green tea and fruit and bbq sakata rice crackers. :) yumyum
oh and today me and ivy watched masterchef on tv and then ended up making hotcakes... although we didnt make the caramelised apples :( shame. but the HOTCAKES WERE YUM AS! with just a dash of maple syrup yumyumyum
i think the cold weather is making me consistently ravenous.
i havent really been on msn or blogging cuz im trying to study for exams.
yeah... not going so well with that
two more weeks to go. and i will buckle down for these last two.
then a whole month of doing nothing!
OPPORTUNITY COST... ERRR LIKE TOTALLY WORTH IT
ok so i wont be back till after exams.,... so wish me happy 20th :(
yeah sad face... im in the twenties... faarrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

love

PS its "glutinous rice wrapped in palm leaves" festival day today.... so youve still got 2 hours to go and pig out on some of that. the date ones are the best.. they all lie when they say the meat ones are the best. its like when they lie and tell you that the egg yolk in mooncakes are the best.
hell they lie just saying mooncakes are the best. have you ever tried eating a full one by yourself? gawd i wanna chuck just thinking about it! ok well happy "glutinous rice wrapped in palm leaves" day kids!

its jaehee's birthday today and tonight was her birthday party
its 11:30 now and all ive done is watched "meet the fockers" (awesome movie!) "sex and the city" and snips of futrama, family guy and the simpsons
im sucha shithouse lazy friend who cant be bothered with anything god...
i had a small fruit salad today, a bowl of grapes, an orange, and an apple and a mandarin. fruit overdose? yeah i think so.. i can feel all that fruit churning in my stomach and it dont feel too good.
my mum went to england yesterday and i had a horrible dream yesterday night about her plane crashing and me finding out that there were no survivors and becasue of that i didnt have to sit my finals
god
how horrible is that?
im a horrible child.. dreaming that my mum would die just so i can get special consideration
HORRIBLE HORRIBLE

tonight is my official last night of doing no work. i gotta pull up my game for the next month and basically become a hermit.
its already been six months of 2009. for some reasons i still feel as if ive just come back from china. time fucking flies. before i know it im gonna be old and wrinkly and all settled down with a job and kids and a husband.
dont get me wrong the job part is extremely exciting... the other parts haha not so
anyway i heard this song today randomly and it reminded me of bonnie because in year 11 she said it was like her favourite song that best described her situation.
im glad that even after not talking to each other for like weeks and weeks and weeks, me and bon can still come back and talk like we did before. and im glad she knows that im always gonna be there to listen to her problems and try to offer good advice without judging her decisions.
before i get too mushymushy the song was

"Someday, Someday"

So we've already established the fact that
things are gonna be different in the future baby.
And you've reiterated the fact that you don't
want to get into something that's just gonna have to end later.
Now I know our lives are changing and I've seen
it coming for a while too, don't get me wrong.
And I've been going outta town baby it's gonna happen more,
we gotta be strong but now

While I'm gone
Just be a fly on the wall
You know
I'm thinking about you

Just wait and see
You gotta hear what I say
I'm in love with you
I'm not so far away

Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe
Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe

I know you gotta go to university and I'm just trying to make some cash to follow my dreams.
But please don't say we're too busy to give each other the time and support we need
I know we gotta work our jobs and make some money to get by in this expensive world.
Don't let that overtake the fact that before all that, you were still my girl.

While I'm gone
Just be a fly on the wall
You know
I'm talking about you

Just wait and see
You gotta hear what I say
I'm in love with you
I'm not so far away

Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe
Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe

Someday, someday
I'll know that you love me
Someday, someday
Sorry that I'm leaving
Someday, someday
I will be here babe
Someday, someday
I will be the one babe

I'm in love with you
I'm not so far away

Someday, someday
Look towards the sky babe
Someday, Someday
There's no need to cry babe
I know that you're always what I want babe
I will be the one babe
Someday,
I will be the one babe
Someday,
I just need you here with me

im using the foot massager i got my mum for mothers day and it feels spastic. theres a heat button too which is pretty comfy when the weather is like todays... but the nobbles on the actual massager thing is the weirdest feeling ever. but it gets kinda addictive after a while haha.

oh BTW ive started wearing my new glasses and today at townhall i saw my friend who looked at me and walked straight past me cuz he didnt freakin recognise me...thanks a lot

man now im just pulling shit outta my ass cuz i have nothing to say and im bored as hell.
im going to go read "changing hearts". this will be my third time reading it. its abosulutely ridiculously, out of this world, good. i really wanna read jodi picoult's new one call handle with care... just havent had the opportunity to go and buy it yet... will do so after my exams

uni break is a month and what the hell am i gonna do in a month?
billy told me to go with him and ani and their friends up to splendour and i was seriously considering it... until i saw the lineup for splendour. half the bands ive never heard of in my life... the other half that ive heard of i havnet listened to more than 1 of their songs (ok so for MGMT maybe more than 1.. and for grinspoon maybe more than 1... but seriously... like 1 for the others)... HAHA.. FAIL
so whats the point in that? but billy's a douche and is a pest.
we'll see what happens... i cant spend one whole month stuck in sydney (two weeks by my poor lonely self) and not do anything right?

the foot massager is freaking me out now... it kinda is starting to feel like someone's kneading the soles of my feet with their knuckles.. im getting ugly imagery in my head

x

i WILL start taking more pictures of my life
maybe im unmotivated cuz i need a new camera?
i dont mind my cybershot.. it has been loyal to me for like 3 years already
maybe once i get the dosh ill splurge and buy myself a new computer
talking about splurging i bought myself a netbook today:)
i was gonna get the acer aspire but the sales guy said he thinks asus is a better brand. plus if i got the acer than me and tanya would own the EXACT same computers. she has a blue vaio i have a pink vaio and now she has a acer and i have a eeepc
oh the freakin sales guy who sold me my computer was a sleaze.
yuck
yuck
ANYWAY
it only put me back 600 bux. i wanted the new pocket vaio for my birthday but my dad just underwent surgery and cuz im not a spoilt bratty kid and even though my parents said they would buy me a small laptop for my birthday i told them it wasnt necessary. surgery doesnt come cheap. but for those who care he's fine and recovering well. he was even fine enough today to be screaming at me all the way as i drove from cherrybrook to hursii. he actually said that he was terrified to be in my car hhahahaha hilarious no?
and i saw the 8g version of my poor 2g mp3 for 69 bux.. ONLY HAHA
god mp3's are so fucking cheap now
after june i think ill go buy myself a new one maybe during stocktake.
i need to start saving for june. mikey's birthday present will set me back ALOT soo i must plan ahead. its so much more difficult when theres an extra person in your life you have to consider
this means no more ebaying. trying to limit eating out. basically no shopping until after june. ahhaha oh god. so yeah im gonna be a jew for a month.

yeap
just went and found my camera and put it in my uni bag for tmr! WILL START DOCUMENTING MY LIFE.

anyway last week was very emotional for me and hopefully from this week forward you guys wont have to put up with my rambling on about how emo my life is

ps. the black lace dress came its pretty but its a bit big. the red blazer came too... its hot as! but a bit big too although i can wear it with a black belt and button it up and its alright
i still want a black boyfriend blazer but icant now cuz i need to save :(
doesnt help that i didnt even go to work last week
EKKKK

i LOVE ENRIQUE IGLESIAS!
alright
peace out kiddos

A strangled smile fell from your face
What kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break

I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better
But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

im so over this bullshit.



we are soo done



we never shouldve started in the first place




i made a mistake. i thought you werent THAT guy, but you still are. and you arent going to change for me because i know thats just the way you are. and i cant deal with that


call me high maintenance.
WHATEVER


seeya later cuzzy:)

there's M's world which is like a closed cage
then theres pecy standing outside that cage by herself. kinda cold, kinda trying to peek inside a bit.
the cage opens once or twice a week and pecy steps inside. she really likes it in there. its warm, its happy and she feels safe in that cage. but she knows that she needs to leave after a while. and she knocks on the door to be let out but the door doesnt let her. she knocks heaps of times and then finally the door opens and chucks her out there in the cold again.
pecy doenst mind being out there in the cold that much. she's a dependent girl who doesnt always need attention so you know she takes it well when she's outside by herself. but after 2 or 3 days of being locked out of the cage and not even being able to look inside or go 1 m close to it, it does start to feel pretty lonely standing outside. she doesnt know whats happening inside. the things inside dont even try to contact her to tell her whats going on.
pecy is surrounded by many cages. of course these cages arent as important as M's cage but she likes to go into some of the other cages once in a while and just hang out. but then M's cage gets angry and this confuses pecy. you wont let me into your cage all that often but i cant go into other cages? even though the other cages arent even as important as your cage? pecy doesnt know what M's cage wants her to do. she's confused as hell.
Pecy wants to be in M's cage. she doesnt want to be something thats in there sometimes and other times chucked out and left in the cold outside. but M's cage doesnt really seem to want her to be in there. sometimes the cage does and other times it doesnt.
pecy doesnt think she's being high maintenance just because she wants a permanent territory in the cage.
if she doesnt get permanent territory soon. she will leave because this is NOT what she expected it to be like.
the lonely times outside of the cage have started to outweigh the REALLY HAPPY times in the cage.

its the 10th of may today
ive got my finc assignment due tomorrow and i have yet to start my sensitivity test.
all is good but. i will start it after lunch and finish it before dinner.
i will finish writing about Capital budgeting techniques and why bonds are perferred over bills bfore lunch.
then after dinner i will finish writing the required rate of return analysis and EDIT EDIT EDIT.
after 12am tmr morning i will be referencing
then tmr i will wake up at 7 and EDIT EDIT EDIT before heading to uni around 1030 to hand it in and go to my CCP class. (which i have not done readings for for two weeks. and which i will begin doing readings for tmr night)

yesterday night i tried to sleep around 2. brushed my teeth went to the bathroom in hopped into bed. so ive been busy the past few days so i havent had time to really clean my room. so basically all the clothes that ive been wearing for the past week have all been dumped onto my bed. in addition to that i dont think ive made my bed for a week either. its just been 3 three blankets squashed ontop of each other :)
ANYWAY
so i crawled into bed around 130.. it took a lot of effort cuz i had to attempt to move all the clothes to the otherside but because i was so tired i failed pretty bad. so i was sleeping underneath a ton of clothes and 3 blankets (i get cold ok? my room is above the garage and cold air seeps through!)
BUT SOMEHOW.. and i dont know how... i jsut couldnt freakin fall asleep. i think i mustve gotten up 4/5 times to use the bathroom even though i didnt need to. i spent half the time staring out into the street light cuz i forgot to close my shutters and couldnt be bothered to go and close them. and the other half staring at my bedside clock.
THEN at 5 am in the morning i decided i couldnt take it anymore so i got up pushed all my clothes onto the otherside of the bed. stripped my bed basically and made it all up again. stretched out my sheets, redid my blankets DID EVERYTHING
hopped back inside. and boom sound asleep
ok i know pointless story. but my life is made up of pointless stories which is why im cool

hahah i got cut from the fmaa sub committee. too bad for them. (KIDDING KIDDING)

back to finc

im spending too much time and money on clothes. sure unlike you i dont spend 100bux a pop on clothes cuz i buy on ebay:) but it does freakin add up
let me compile a list of materialistic things ive bought in the past 2 weeks, just so i can make myself feel guilty for spending money that isnt pouring in

prestige eyeliner - 12.50
MAXFACTOR 2000 calories mascara - 20.95 (who said cheap mascara sucked? my eyelashes raech for the sky with this mascara. broooo im telling you!)
2 basic singlets from supre - $40 (ok cuz i was waiting for my cousin to finish waht she was doing and just walking around city by myself and no i dont usually shop at supre but i guess for basics its ok. i still think i got jipped but.. i mean if i was on ebay these things wouldve cost like 5 bux... anyway im not gonna whinge...)
mini black blazer with silver coat of arms buttons - 15 something
black sequined batwing knit - $27 something
red oversized blazer - $10 something
black leather mini skirt - $10
white blazer - $40 (OMG HOTTEST THING EVER CAN NOT FREAKIN WAIT FOR IT TO ARRIVEEE OMGGGGGGGGGG)
black lace minidress - $20
short bubble cocktail dress - $5


BRO
THATS FREAKING 200 BUX IN TWO WEEKS.
omg
omg
omg
my bank account is just screaming in agony i can freakin hear it
plus i had to buy my mum a mother's day present. she said she didnt want anything. but you know how people are.. its all lies.. they say that dont want something and you dont buy anything and you're fucked. so i bought her a heated feet massager. cuz im sweet like that


okok im going on a "going-on-ebay-detox" starting from when everything im watching now ends. haha
im watching 10 things atm. but im pretty sure most of them i wont end up buying
ALTHOUGH one of the dresses is to die for :(
and theres a black leather fringe jacket that is orgasmic

OK ENOUGH

Speaking of mothers day.
you would think i would be jealous of girls who have this special bond with their mother. being able to go shopping with them, tell them about their boyfriend or who they like, ask them for advice and just be happy basking in each other's presence.
my mother and me?
we never go shopping together because she hates the way i dress. she thinks i dress like a slut or i dress too old for my age. she hates my makeup because her theory is that all naturale is the best for girls my age and you should only amp up the makeup once you get to her age. she hates it when my hair is down because she says i look like a crazy, uneducated girl. she hates my sunnies because she thinks they're too big for my face. who do i think i am? a supermodel? she hates my shoes because i wear heels too much. she hates the fact that i put on nail polish because its tacky looking and only older women should put on nailpolish. she hates rings because they're tacky. she hates earrings because they're tacky. she hates the fact that i wear contacts becasue contacts are bad for my eyes and my eyes are always red because of them.

i cant tell her about the guy im seeing.
i talk to her about guys in general. not specific guys that i date or i like. but what kind of person i should be looking for or what type of guys attract me. yes that we talk about. but i could never introduce her to a boyfriend who doesnt fit her mould. dont get me wrong, my mother doesnt mind me dating. she just minds who it is. because in her mind... the essence of dating is still marraige. you dont date for no reason.. you date because someday JUST MAYBE you could end up spending the rest of your life with that person.
and if thats the case she wants my guy to be PERFECT. the PERFECT that she wants to impose on me. the PERFECT that when i think about i want to chuck.
sure its got the usual good, caring person blahblahblah
but its also got the
has to be highly educated
has to come from the same family background as you
cant be too goodlooking (no logic right there)
has to be chinese

and that criteria.. i cant deal with. who knows i may end up marrying a guy like that some where WAY down the track. but right now i bite my thumb at the abovementioned points (whoa that abovementioned word shouldnt be used here... sorry essay writing at the moment hence why haha)

we cant be in the same room without snapping at each other for a little bit at least.
she always thinks shes right. even though she says she doesnt she does.
i mean even ivy has picked up on it!
before i used to be all.. "well if im right and she's wrong im gonna fight for my opinion to be heard" mindset. but now.. after relentless screaming at each other ive realised the best medicine in these situations is just silence or just a mere nod of the head and move on.
for example!
my mum is quite obsessed with baileys. haha funny aye?
anyway i was showing her a shotglass that billy bought me from NZ and i was like mum.. you can use this to drink your baileys! and she turned to me and said you cant drink baileys like that. its got too much alcohol in it you can only sip it like wine.
i remained silent and just nodded and smiled.
why dig myself into a hole aye?
im standing 10m away and im loving the view

my mum also likes very much to remind me that well you see... im not a very nice, polite, selfless person. i used to be all that when i was a kid. but now... ive turned into this rude, selfish, hot tempered monster whose going to fail in life because i cant manage relationships with anybody because im just too hard to get along with. :)

but you know what? even after all that.. i dont think im jealous of other girls who have such fantastic relationships with their mothers. i think ive grown acustomed to this constant battle i wage at home with folks.
thats not to say that I myself dont want to have a great relationship with my daughter. im gonna be the coolest mum ever. do you know why? because ill already know what pushes daughter and mother relationships apart. and i know i wont make the same mistakes that my mum did.
i dont blame her though i know she wants the best for me. but she just doesnt show it in a loving manner. maybe its with all chinese parents? or maybe its just with all chinese parents who think the main goal in life is to have a successful career

im still grateful though. im grateful that shestayed in australia for me. the money she's spent on me. how much she pushed me. because otherwise i wouldnt be where i am now.

i just wish she would try a bit harder to UNDERSTAND me.

but it is mothers day on sunday and im gonna be that sweet daughter that she wants me to be. so basically hair in bun, fringe pinned back, no makeup, glasses on, my earrings off, baggy trackies, baggy tshirt, woollen sweater. im pretty sure that'll be the best mother's day present i can give her.

so on mother's day give your mum a hug even if you havent hugged her since you were 10. tell her youappreciate her even though sometimes its doubtful. tell her she looks beautiful and hasnt aged at all. tell her thank you for putting up with all the stupid things ive done this year. tell her that you'll work harder this year to make her happier and to decrease teh number of times she has to yell at you.

just tell her you love her because this is the only one time of the year you say it. (well the only time of the year i say it)

love

still waiting

staring into nothing

no i take that back
staring into my disgustingly chipped nail polish, with around 20 files open on my computer. listening to michelle branch and crunching on some vitaweat and almonds and hugging a hot water bottle.

did i even mention you in that sentence?


lisa's birthday in 10 mins!

its not meant to be this hard.

at least i dont think it is.

i dont think im being needy or expecting too much.

i let you live the way you wanna live even though i dont think much of it. i dont nag you about stuff anymore. i definitely dont nag you in front of your friends.

but how hard is it to include me in your life? to sms me now and then just to say hi babe going home now or just finished work or good morning have a good day at uni. sms not because you have something to really say to me but just to sms me just so that i know you're there.
i KNOW you're not a phone person but i still dont think im asking for too much...

so now i have my doubts as to how much you want me in your life. it seems as if im the one making the effort whenever im free from studying to go and see you. even if its just for a few minutes at the shop.

but when im with you its a totally different story. what you did for me last weekend. when im with you and you you dont want me to leave and you say you miss me. thats how i wanna feel... every day.

youve said you dont wanna distract me while im studying. i really dont think thats a valid enough excuse. im happy you want me to do well at uni. but i dont know when you say you dont wanna contact me whether its really because you have my best interests at heart or whether you really cant be stuffed.

so is it me?
or is it you?
or is it the both of us?