i was so happy
and suddenly it comes crashing down on me.
and the crashing down was higher than the happiness i felt.
so if we subtract that all out
sadness prevails

it seems these days im always apologising for making people cry.
im the worst friend ever :(
but im sorry... but its only cuz what we have means so much to me and i dont want it to fade away. and even though these past few months ive been doing things and hitting "rough patches" in my life, doesnt mean i dont want you there bashing me with sense and pointing me in the right direction to go. i want you to scream at me and yell at me and call me dumb and hit me and totally not condone my actions and i might not change them all immediately and might try to defend them but i know you are just trying to keep me on track.
but now
ive kinda reached that point in my life where i just wanna live
i wanna live crazy and do crazy things
i wanna experience everything!
hatred, sadness, love, happiness, embarrassemtn, disappointment, compassion, care, generosity, loneliness, misguided (ok totally cant think of any more)

tanya fb me and told me pride is my enemy
i try telling myself that
but i liek my pride. its my shell that i hide under. like my armour that will protect me and if that armour is off i feel completely naked.
BUTT NAKED
and vulnerable and i feel as if ive lost control of the situation and ive lost control of my feelings and of ive let my guard down.
so its hard :(
really hard for me



they said i havent found the right guy. maybe they're right