i havent touched this in a while

so the past (nearly month) have been... well a bit crazy now and then but fun and stressful all the same

exmas have started and they arent fun. im in exam mode.. meaning i look like i havent slept more than 2 hours.. i have bags under my eyes... im easily frustrated... i find nothing funny anymore.. im relying too much on cigarettes and caffeine...all i can think about are exams :(

but 2 more to go then im free for four months nearly! :)

so just bear with me for the next five days.. and everything will be sweet.

*fingers crossed puppy
xx

this is the right thing to do. because this will make me happy.
fullstop. nothing more said.

im asking myself how many times i wanna be disappointed and be hurt before i can walk away.
and im not finding an answer.

im searching so hard to try do whats best for me and i dnot know what that thing is.

you say these words and i get sucked in. four months ago. this exact thing happened. and you keep telling me that this time itll be different. but i have my doubts.

i wanna believe you. im trying so hard to believe that what you say you feel for me is true.

i feel dirty and stupid and used and embarrassed and ashamed.

now i am hurt and i am angry and i am sad and i am frustrated.

this wasnt supposed to happen to me. ive never ever done anything to anyone to deserve to be treated this way.

i dont want these sorts of dramas in my life. i dont like drama. i just want to be with someone who loves me and who can give me what i want. who can make me happy and who i can make happy in return. i dont want lies. i want trust. i want companionship. i want support. i want someone who cares about me.

who loves me for me. not for my rack. not for my makeup. but for my brains. for my personality.

i cared so much for you. i wanted you to become a better person. i wanted to help you become that better person. but this is what i get in return?

i dont understand. call me naive, call me innocent. but bad things arent supposed to happen to good people. then why do bad things always happen to me? why am i the one who always always gets fucked over?









it finally hit me.
ive been crying for half an hour now. keep counting.

when you put your trust into someone, what do you think you'll get out of it?

well, let me tell you. you get nothing.

you get fleeting happiness. you get promises that never come true. you get tears and anger and frustration and disappointment.

right now. im not angry. im not crying. im not frustrated and im not disappointed.

im just empty and hollow and helpless.

i dont know what to do anymore.

look at me and you'll see what youve thrown away and maybe you'll feel as hollow as me.



putting down the barriers never worked for me. well i put them down this time. and ... once again... it still didnt work for me.

so im done with putting down the barriers. im done with trusting people. im done with trying so hard to look for the good in people.

this hopefully means im done getting hurt. im done wasting emotions on people. im done relying on anyone else but myself.

the most important person in my world is me. and if i cant love myself enough to walk away and if i cant tell myself that i dont deserve to be treated that way and if i cant be strong enough to fight for my own feelings then everything ive ever believed in and preached about relationships will fly out the window. and im not about to let that happen.

so. go back to your world. the girls you know. the girls you want.

and then think about me. then tell me how you feel.

sometimes its so hard to do the right thing.

what should you listen to? your emotions or your logic?

riddle me that.

i dont know when you're gonna see it.
but when you do, where do you think im going to be?

when you look at me what do you see?
do you see what you would see when you look at any other girl off the street?

i'm not gonna try to be someone im not.
i dont talk all hard nor do i pretend to. i dont pretend to know the musicians you like. i dont dress in your style nor do i pretend to know anything about the brands you know.

so whats gonna keep you to stay?

i really dislike not being able to control what goes on in my life. you're the one thinig that i cant control.
i can control uni. i can control my parents. i can control nearly everything.

BUT YOU. you're like a runaway puppy. that im running in circles to try and catch.

hhaha ok
all that talk about shanghai? yeah well put that on hold. my dad always gets his facts mixed up
the blake dawson dude wants to give me placement in AUSTRALIA if he thinks im good enough.
haha
i guess that means ill be in Australia this summer. :) well i guess that wont be too bad. i definitely will still wanna go somewhere even for a week. get away from SYDNEY. central coast would be nice. or back up to the gold coast. or like HAMILTON ISLAND? OR FRASIER ISLAND? YES?


i always thought i wasnt one of those girls who needed a boyfriend. or a guy constantly. i loved feeling independent of guys and guys having a hold on me. not saying that when i truly like someone i dont hold on for a long time. i didnt care that i didnt have anyone to complain about things to. or i didnt have long conversations on the phone with a guy. i loved the fact that i was never tied down. i could do my own thing without anyone telling me otherwise (except my parents i guess... not that i really listen to them much anyway). a man didnt dictate my life.
a bit of a feminism? maybe.. in some ways.

im not quite sure where i stand on that now. maybe because ive been seeing someone for the longest period of time that ive ever had a relationship i'm beginning to like having someone there. also it doesnt hurt that i actually, sincerely, like this guy, (vices and virtues and all).

so now i do want a boyfriend. i want someone that gives me attention. i want someone who cares about me enough to tell me what to do. i want someone whose gonna hold my hand when im upset. i want someone who will understand me, my stress with uni, my problems with my parents etc. i want someone who can put up with my idiosyncrasies and put up with it with a smile on his face. i want someone that i know is exclusively mine. someone i dont have to share. someone i don't have to worry about whether this girl likes him or that girl wants him or blah.

i just want someone i can call my own.

if you've known me for long enough or have read my blog for long enough, you'll know that this is not what i was feeling a year ago. haha. how things change so much in a year huh?

do you think you can give me what i want? or am i holding onto false hope for something that isnt and will never be there?