yesterday night i told you that i'm insecure. because there will always be prettier girls out there.
then you said.... if i wanted someone pretty we would have broken up already.
that cut me so deep and did nothing to curb my insecurity.
thank you. you really know how to make me feel better sometimes.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
so goood to be home
sooooo soooooo goood to be in sydney.
soooooooooooooo sooooooooooooo sooooooooooooooo good to see mikey.
and hey my trip wasnt all that bad either. thanks to awesome friends and awesome food and awesome shopping and awesome relos.
as sad as it may seem... facebook is a big part of my life. i think for anyone in this generation to say otherwise would just be blatant lying. i mean... we create events on facebook, we find the latest goss on facebook, we chat to each other of facebook... and we see whose in a relationship or not on facebook.
so as CRAZY as it may seem. as SILLY as it may seem. as IDIOTIC and CHILDLIKE as it may seem. it drove me nuts knowing my boyfriend's status was single when i was away. and knowing i could do nothing about it because the stupid communist party of china are fuckwits who need to understand that all this control will one day cause a huge revolt where the people will bring them down. ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
so i was away for a month... my boyfriend's status was single. wasnt happy days for me. and knowing girls these days.. and how awesomely good looking my boyfriend is (well i think so anyway so THERE.. awesomely good looking sounds like a line from zoolander for some reason)
let me tell you how bad being insanely insecure for a whole month is.... well i cant... because fucking indescribable.
i think i spent hours trying to proxy into facebook. didnt work.
i think i constantly had bags under my eyes cuz i couldnt sleep well.
i think every single time mikey didnt call me for a day i would kinda mope around and act like someone died until i got the next phone call.
and now im back in sydney. mikey tells me how much he loves me. how much he missed me. how much he wants to be with me and im happy all over again. i love him just as much. i want to be with him just as much. i don't know how i would operate if i couldnt be with him. the moment i saw him was when i truly felt that i had come home.
then why... in God's name.. is my boyfriend's facebook status still single?
sooooo soooooo goood to be in sydney.
soooooooooooooo sooooooooooooo sooooooooooooooo good to see mikey.
and hey my trip wasnt all that bad either. thanks to awesome friends and awesome food and awesome shopping and awesome relos.
as sad as it may seem... facebook is a big part of my life. i think for anyone in this generation to say otherwise would just be blatant lying. i mean... we create events on facebook, we find the latest goss on facebook, we chat to each other of facebook... and we see whose in a relationship or not on facebook.
so as CRAZY as it may seem. as SILLY as it may seem. as IDIOTIC and CHILDLIKE as it may seem. it drove me nuts knowing my boyfriend's status was single when i was away. and knowing i could do nothing about it because the stupid communist party of china are fuckwits who need to understand that all this control will one day cause a huge revolt where the people will bring them down. ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
so i was away for a month... my boyfriend's status was single. wasnt happy days for me. and knowing girls these days.. and how awesomely good looking my boyfriend is (well i think so anyway so THERE.. awesomely good looking sounds like a line from zoolander for some reason)
let me tell you how bad being insanely insecure for a whole month is.... well i cant... because fucking indescribable.
i think i spent hours trying to proxy into facebook. didnt work.
i think i constantly had bags under my eyes cuz i couldnt sleep well.
i think every single time mikey didnt call me for a day i would kinda mope around and act like someone died until i got the next phone call.
and now im back in sydney. mikey tells me how much he loves me. how much he missed me. how much he wants to be with me and im happy all over again. i love him just as much. i want to be with him just as much. i don't know how i would operate if i couldnt be with him. the moment i saw him was when i truly felt that i had come home.
then why... in God's name.. is my boyfriend's facebook status still single?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
isnt it funny how its always during exams that i start to think about the craziest things?
i start to fill my brain with crazy thoughts which end up consuming both me and my time.
ive been 21 for a day now. it ain't so great. definitely overrated.
i dont feel wiser
i dont feel more mature
i dont feel like i can achieve more
feel pretty alone though. oh wait... they didnt write that on the "this-is-how-you're-supposed-to-feel-after-21" handbook. fuck you.
i got a diamond necklace from my mum for my birthday. 32 clusters of little diamonds in a chanel shape on a white gold chain. haha not really my style ( i know beggers cant be choosers) ... BUT at least she knows i like white gold better than yellow gold.
i got the funniest sms from my dad
21Happy Birthday to Pecy Dady
those are the exact words. hahahahaha he's so funny its like he added the "To Pecy" after it just to make sure i definitely got it. i hope he comes back with lotsa goodies for me from hk and china. goodies not as in clothes etc. i buy that stuff when i go back myself... but stuff from the awesome hotels he stays in and the first class flight free stuff. THEY ARE AWESOME
its 1:34 on my laptop. i woke up at 6:50 today. i need to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow. goodnight world
watch out for a 21y/o me :)
*you better keep up or i'm going to have to leave you behind
i start to fill my brain with crazy thoughts which end up consuming both me and my time.
ive been 21 for a day now. it ain't so great. definitely overrated.
i dont feel wiser
i dont feel more mature
i dont feel like i can achieve more
feel pretty alone though. oh wait... they didnt write that on the "this-is-how-you're-supposed-to-feel-after-21" handbook. fuck you.
i got a diamond necklace from my mum for my birthday. 32 clusters of little diamonds in a chanel shape on a white gold chain. haha not really my style ( i know beggers cant be choosers) ... BUT at least she knows i like white gold better than yellow gold.
i got the funniest sms from my dad
21Happy Birthday to Pecy Dady
those are the exact words. hahahahaha he's so funny its like he added the "To Pecy" after it just to make sure i definitely got it. i hope he comes back with lotsa goodies for me from hk and china. goodies not as in clothes etc. i buy that stuff when i go back myself... but stuff from the awesome hotels he stays in and the first class flight free stuff. THEY ARE AWESOME
its 1:34 on my laptop. i woke up at 6:50 today. i need to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow. goodnight world
watch out for a 21y/o me :)
*you better keep up or i'm going to have to leave you behind
Thursday, June 10, 2010
i wish our brains were VHS tapes. the old school kind where to reuse all you have to do is tape over. then you can erase the old and keep the new. i wish my brain was like that. so when it comes to exams i can just erase everything that is UNNECESSARY IN MY HEAD to leave ample amounts of room for what i need to ace my exams.
i laugh at my own stupidity sometimes. i laugh at how vulnerable and gullible and naive i am sometimes.
i wish i could be the type of girl who could pick up and put down as easy as 1, 2, 3. sleep with someone and not have feelings for them.
but im not that type of girl. i dont think i could ever be that type of girl. because im in it for the long run.
i love being with mikey. we're so different in ways that i think makes it work. i dont try to understand all his urban/ hip hop kinda stuff so when he tells me about it im genuinely interested. and he doesnt really know what i study. haha so when i tell him... well i dont think anyone can be genuinely interested in what i study... so he gets let off.
he makes me laugh. he takes care of me even though he always calls me a kid (pshhhhh).
and i think its because we're so different that makes me love being with him more. thats why it was, is and will be hard to let go when (if) that time comes.
god i hate having emotions.
i laugh at my own stupidity sometimes. i laugh at how vulnerable and gullible and naive i am sometimes.
i wish i could be the type of girl who could pick up and put down as easy as 1, 2, 3. sleep with someone and not have feelings for them.
but im not that type of girl. i dont think i could ever be that type of girl. because im in it for the long run.
i love being with mikey. we're so different in ways that i think makes it work. i dont try to understand all his urban/ hip hop kinda stuff so when he tells me about it im genuinely interested. and he doesnt really know what i study. haha so when i tell him... well i dont think anyone can be genuinely interested in what i study... so he gets let off.
he makes me laugh. he takes care of me even though he always calls me a kid (pshhhhh).
and i think its because we're so different that makes me love being with him more. thats why it was, is and will be hard to let go when (if) that time comes.
god i hate having emotions.
Friday, May 28, 2010
i've never been much of a romantic. i dont think a knight in armour is going to come rescue me one day. i dont believe in the materialism of relationships.
i guess i try to be more realistic about relationships. i love you, you love me. alright we're good to go. i dont need you to buy me this and that to prove how much i mean to you. i dont need endless phone calls every day with you. i dont need cute little plushie toys or matching hats or matching shirts.
want i do need is more substantive things. i need memories. i need actions. funnily enough i need words. i need a smile. i need a willingness to want to spend time with me. i need you to be there when i need you the most. i need support, understanding and care.
i need to be made feel special. different from anyone you've ever met and anyone you ever will meet. i need to be spoken to differently and handled differently and understood differently.
NOW THATS HOW YOU TREAT A GIRL.
i guess i try to be more realistic about relationships. i love you, you love me. alright we're good to go. i dont need you to buy me this and that to prove how much i mean to you. i dont need endless phone calls every day with you. i dont need cute little plushie toys or matching hats or matching shirts.
want i do need is more substantive things. i need memories. i need actions. funnily enough i need words. i need a smile. i need a willingness to want to spend time with me. i need you to be there when i need you the most. i need support, understanding and care.
i need to be made feel special. different from anyone you've ever met and anyone you ever will meet. i need to be spoken to differently and handled differently and understood differently.
NOW THATS HOW YOU TREAT A GIRL.
Monday, May 17, 2010
it has been two months and 1 day since ive touched this space.
someone random actually very very random asked me how my blog was going and i thought well... since im here trying to read the roll critique and i'm seriously not absorbing anything about risk free rates and ex-post mean-variance efficient stufff i might as well blog.
there seems a lot that i want to write but i cant put fingers to keyboard atm.
am i happy? yes and no.
am i satisfied? yes and no.
am i looking for more? yes and no.
am i 100%? yes and no.
HAHA. i dont think that wouldve helped anyone to figure out how life is going atm. it barely helps me to be honest.
im happy. i have awesome friends. i have my boyfriend. i am doing a degree at uni that i know will get me places. but now im not so sure if i wanna be going the place where my degree is going to take me. i still want to be a corporate powerhouse but i dont think im going about it the right way. if at this very stage.. im not passionate about all this financial stuff that im learning about... then how will i ever become fascinated by it? i really do think im more of a hands-on, communicating with people type of person and i dont think i get to use that attribute to its full potential if i ended up in a financial institution.
well i guess i could always become a lawyer. yay... the joys of a double degree.....
im satisfied. but i dont think satisfcation is a very high threshold to meet. i want to be more than satisfied with life. i want to enjoy life and seize it by its front horns and steer it so i know that i will be living each day to its fullest. i dont think im doing that at the moment. emotionally and mentally i'm not there yet. i have a few reasons to why in my head but those are my dark little secrets that even you wont get to know about.
am i looking for more? of course i am. im constantly looking to newer, better things. but i feel like im stuck in a rutt where ive been shielded off from these newer, better things. no fair man. share them around for gods sake!
am i 100% sure? no im not. and i really want to be. i wish i was. but im not. little things. always the little things.
ive always been told that words dont hurt you. but, my goodness, words said to you from certain people can see you gasping for breath. words can hurt so much. ive learnt that the hard way. so what happens when you meet a girl like me who cant keep any words inside of her? who always needs to say whats on her mind?
you get trouble. big fat. stinking. gross. TROUBLE
someone random actually very very random asked me how my blog was going and i thought well... since im here trying to read the roll critique and i'm seriously not absorbing anything about risk free rates and ex-post mean-variance efficient stufff i might as well blog.
there seems a lot that i want to write but i cant put fingers to keyboard atm.
am i happy? yes and no.
am i satisfied? yes and no.
am i looking for more? yes and no.
am i 100%? yes and no.
HAHA. i dont think that wouldve helped anyone to figure out how life is going atm. it barely helps me to be honest.
im happy. i have awesome friends. i have my boyfriend. i am doing a degree at uni that i know will get me places. but now im not so sure if i wanna be going the place where my degree is going to take me. i still want to be a corporate powerhouse but i dont think im going about it the right way. if at this very stage.. im not passionate about all this financial stuff that im learning about... then how will i ever become fascinated by it? i really do think im more of a hands-on, communicating with people type of person and i dont think i get to use that attribute to its full potential if i ended up in a financial institution.
well i guess i could always become a lawyer. yay... the joys of a double degree.....
im satisfied. but i dont think satisfcation is a very high threshold to meet. i want to be more than satisfied with life. i want to enjoy life and seize it by its front horns and steer it so i know that i will be living each day to its fullest. i dont think im doing that at the moment. emotionally and mentally i'm not there yet. i have a few reasons to why in my head but those are my dark little secrets that even you wont get to know about.
am i looking for more? of course i am. im constantly looking to newer, better things. but i feel like im stuck in a rutt where ive been shielded off from these newer, better things. no fair man. share them around for gods sake!
am i 100% sure? no im not. and i really want to be. i wish i was. but im not. little things. always the little things.
ive always been told that words dont hurt you. but, my goodness, words said to you from certain people can see you gasping for breath. words can hurt so much. ive learnt that the hard way. so what happens when you meet a girl like me who cant keep any words inside of her? who always needs to say whats on her mind?
you get trouble. big fat. stinking. gross. TROUBLE
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
been two weeks since uni's started. im quite enjoying the semester so far. not behind on my law readings at all :) and damn they take a lot of time to do.. 90 pages a week is not what i call fun. but international law seems and is really interesting. like i said before i would have loved to do international studies as my other degree but due to unforeseen circumstances ie. my parents i couldnt do it. working at the UN or some other NGO was my ultimate dream but yeahhhhhh oh well i guess i could always do a masters in international studies
iv e been getting pretty excited about my 21st :) never had a really really big birthday party except when i was young and had a maccas party haha they were the bomb. anywayyyy sooo yeahh wanting to invite over 200 guests. friends i havent seen in a while, friends from high school friends ive lost contact with, my bestest friends and mikey's best friends. SUPER EXCITED! and plus ive decided on a 'your favourite cartoon character when you were young' hehe im expecting everyone to dress up... no dress up no entry THATS THE RULE PEOPLE
oh btw... i love my uni friends. to bits. especially caleb and mickey haha they make me laugh and keep me sane. this semester i have most of my classes with them and im so glad. makes every uni day fun filled. also atm i get to see mikey everyday before and after uni. which also makes my day. i'm gonna be so sad when he has to go to parra everyday to work :( wont get to see him as much which is going to be extremely hard since for the past 4 months ive seen him close to every single day. couldnt imagine not being able to.
i guess the past few months has made me see that life is hard no matter what. no matter if you're already working or still studying. nothing in life is free and all you can do is have ambition and work hard to reach that end goal. being successful isnt a sprint. its a marathon. your whole life is a marathon race and only when you can run the whole 50km and reach the end will it be satisfying. no doubt there will be obstacles along the way. but whats life without its ups and downs? its the downs that show our potential and our perseverance. im still at uni. still have 2.5 years left to go. and right now i still dont have a clue what my life will be like after that. what kind of job ill be able to get after. where ill be living. if i still want to go overseas to do a masters. whether i want to live in asia for a while and work. its sad to say that i dont even have a life goal at the moment. sure.. make money, find a husband, have a family, support my parents. but they arent goals.
so im a bit lost at the moment. i need some perspective i guess.
relationship wise. im so glad i have mikey. i love him so much. and i guess after all we've been through and the fact that we're still together means that i do have something real here. ive never had that 'real' factor in the past. and trust me... its gonna take a lot for me to let it go. what does scare me is other people getting in the way and for some reason i have a premonition that that might be what would break us up in the end. but not if i can help it :)
ok. well.. knowing me. ill see you next month blog
much love
iv e been getting pretty excited about my 21st :) never had a really really big birthday party except when i was young and had a maccas party haha they were the bomb. anywayyyy sooo yeahh wanting to invite over 200 guests. friends i havent seen in a while, friends from high school friends ive lost contact with, my bestest friends and mikey's best friends. SUPER EXCITED! and plus ive decided on a 'your favourite cartoon character when you were young' hehe im expecting everyone to dress up... no dress up no entry THATS THE RULE PEOPLE
oh btw... i love my uni friends. to bits. especially caleb and mickey haha they make me laugh and keep me sane. this semester i have most of my classes with them and im so glad. makes every uni day fun filled. also atm i get to see mikey everyday before and after uni. which also makes my day. i'm gonna be so sad when he has to go to parra everyday to work :( wont get to see him as much which is going to be extremely hard since for the past 4 months ive seen him close to every single day. couldnt imagine not being able to.
i guess the past few months has made me see that life is hard no matter what. no matter if you're already working or still studying. nothing in life is free and all you can do is have ambition and work hard to reach that end goal. being successful isnt a sprint. its a marathon. your whole life is a marathon race and only when you can run the whole 50km and reach the end will it be satisfying. no doubt there will be obstacles along the way. but whats life without its ups and downs? its the downs that show our potential and our perseverance. im still at uni. still have 2.5 years left to go. and right now i still dont have a clue what my life will be like after that. what kind of job ill be able to get after. where ill be living. if i still want to go overseas to do a masters. whether i want to live in asia for a while and work. its sad to say that i dont even have a life goal at the moment. sure.. make money, find a husband, have a family, support my parents. but they arent goals.
so im a bit lost at the moment. i need some perspective i guess.
relationship wise. im so glad i have mikey. i love him so much. and i guess after all we've been through and the fact that we're still together means that i do have something real here. ive never had that 'real' factor in the past. and trust me... its gonna take a lot for me to let it go. what does scare me is other people getting in the way and for some reason i have a premonition that that might be what would break us up in the end. but not if i can help it :)
ok. well.. knowing me. ill see you next month blog
much love